For Mrs. Claus to maintain her bathing-suit weight year round. She really lets herself go this time of year
That Tickle-Me-Elmo never again sees the kind of popularity it had 10 years ago. Sweet Jesus
To not get so disgusted every time a child wets themselves while sitting on my lap
For the children to show the same restraint and decorum when I do it
To find the elf who put pot in the brownies that we passed out to the kids last year, causing me to get banned from the Midtown Mall in St. Petersburg
For the stock market to turn so I can expand the plant at the North Pole and stop outsourcing all the toy-making to China. All that lead will mess your s*#t up!
For Winfrey to hurry up and end her show already so I don’t have to hear anymore snot-nosed little punks run up to me every time they don’t get what they want and say, “Oprah would have got it for me.”
Bieber tickets
To never again get accidently locked in the barn while Prancer’s in heat
For those a-hole state troopers in Georgia to not give me another FUI (Flying Under the Influence) this year. Is it really so far-fetched to think that kids spike the milk and eggnog they leave for me? They do that ALL THE TIME! They think it’s freakin’ hilarious!
That “The Santa Clause” movies finally get taken off the Christmas television rotation. Tim Allen does the worst impression of me ever
That kids continue to fall asleep to “A Christmas Story” playing on their TVs. I love catching bits and pieces of it when I’m inside. “Fra-gee-lee. Must be Italian.” Classic!
That my agent lets me listen on speaker phone again this year when the Easter Bunny calls to ask if he can get the same royalty percentage from the department stores and candy manufacturers that I do. Laughing at that fuzzy bastard always makes my day
World peace. Nah, not really. But I would like a Kindle
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