Where Does the Time Go? Nowhere, Now

So it’s the end of January and you know what that means… Christmas is just around the corner. Sad, but true. And yes, I hate celebrating Christmas before Halloween just as much as the next guy, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be here in a matter of weeks. That’s how it will feel, anyway.

Let’s face it, not just Christmas, but middle age is right around the corner too. And grandkids. Then retirement. Why does it take 21 years to turn 21, but going from 21 to 30 takes like six months? If only life moved as slowly when you’re an adult as it does when you’re a kid.

The problem is there are so many ages we want to be when we’re a kid – 16, 18, 21 – that our days seem to drag on endlessly, ensuring we’ll never reach the age we actually want to be. Then once we reach adulthood, there are so many ages we don’t want to be – 30, 40, 50 – that all we can do is watch as Father Time slingshots us through space while pissing himself from laughing so hard.

That’s why we need to celebrate some of those less-heralded ages a little more. We need to look forward to turning… well, you know… old. That’s the only way to slow things down. So what will make us look forward to the less enjoyable milestones? How about the following:

At 30, everyone grows gills so that we can stay underwater as long as we want. And the gills are not visible when we’re on land because that would be gross. Now, this doesn’t mean we can swim faster than sharks or talk to fish or any other outrageous power that you’ve seen comic-book heroes possess. I’m not trying to create some wonderful, magical utopia here. Let’s keep this somewhat realistic/attainable. Also, we won’t be able to generate webbed feet either underwater or on land because I don’t want anything to potentially screw up what everyone will enjoy upon turning 35. Which is…

At 35, you can buy bowling shoes for half price, regardless of the seller. Almost makes renting bowling shoes sound pretty stupid, huh? Now I know you can already run for president when you’re 35, but I’m not sure that this makes any normal, well-adjusted person look forward to turning 35, so I went with something that the sane and insane alike will appreciate.

Once you turn 40 you can get free Girl Scout cookies. All you have to do is find a station outside your local drug store, show your ID to one of the girls who is undoubtedly regretting every minute she’s spent in Girl Scouts, and you can take as many boxes as your chubby arms can carry. And maybe this will cut down on the number of times you’re hassled at work about how many boxes of Samoa’s you want.

At 50, you can have teenagers removed from any place you happen to be at – the mall, the movie theater, a homecoming dance, etc… The young adults won’t be as affected as you might initially think, given the likelihood that someone 50 or over would frequent the same locations as teenagers. (But if they did… kazaam!)

At 60, you’re allowed to drive in the “60 and over” lane on the highway, much like the HOV lane today. Only it won’t be so much allowable as it is mandated by law.

At 70, you’re allowed to kill somebody. We’re all allowed one. That’s it. So you have to choose wisely. You know what? Let’s change this one to 75. At 70, you’re allowed to steal from fast food restaurants.

At 80, you can pee in the street. Now, you might ask why you’re legally permitted to kill someone when you’re 75, but you have to wait until you’re 80 before peeing in the street. It’s the same as having to wait until you’re 21 to drink even though you can fight in a war when you’re 18. That’s just the way it is.

At 85, if you’re physically capable of doing whatever you want, go for it.

Ahhh… I’m looking forward to getting old(er) already.