This Is Kentucky

Kentucky became a state in 1792, making us the 15th oldest state in the country (and currently 220 years of age). Our nickname is the “Bluegrass State,” even though, technically, we’re a Commonwealth. Our state bird is the cardinal, our state motto is “United We Stand, Divided We Fall,” and the tagline for our state brand (yes we have one) is “Unbridled Spirit,” which is admittedly more classy and subtle than our old brand tagline, “Teen Pregnancy Gets a Bad Rap.”

Kentucky is considered a member of the southeast region of the United States, even though only one state separates us from Lake Erie and 2-3 states separate us from the Gulf of Mexico (depending on the route you take). We were a divided state (or Commonwealth) during the Civil War. Speaking of…

Abraham Lincoln, the nation’s 16th president, was born here. Politically he was known to be from Illinois because he was elected to the House of Representatives as a citizen of that state, which followed his waking up in Illinois with a bunch of his college buddies during a weekend bender. He never came back to Kentucky. Who can blame him, really? Chicago is a pretty cool town.

Kentucky borders seven states, and the vast majority of our residents are incredibly grateful to not be living in four of them – Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia and Tennessee. We enjoy mocking and trading barbs with residents of Indiana, Ohio and Tennessee, but rarely is West Virginia discussed or even acknowledged. Many fear that the federal government will eliminate the recognized border between Kentucky and West Virginia, spilling thousands of “Mountaineers,” as they’re known, onto our Bluegrass and into our schools. It is because of this fear that we try not to think about West Virginia. We prefer that you don’t either.

We have two cities that you’ve probably heard of (Louisville and Lexington), one that you may have (Bowling Green) and a capitol that you probably haven’t (Frankfort). Our largest city, Louisville, is a lovely place. Despite being our most prosperous, most vibrant and most visible city, Louisville unfortunately has a bit of an inferiority complex that does not permeate the less prosperous, less vibrant and less visible areas of the state. This complex has led Louisville’s community leaders to spearhead a successful, albeit suspect, campaign to climb higher on the list of largest U.S. cities. It is also positioning itself, marketing-wise, as “Possibility City” in an attempt to attract residents of other states to move here. It’s not a bad idea, and there are certainly possibilities in Louisville, but with that comes the chance of attracting people from the four states previously mentioned.

A large portion of Kentucky exudes a sort of confidence that tends to make Louisville residents… nervous. But the rest of the state has no reason to not be confident. Sure, our overall standing in the dental community is less than stellar and our test scores aren’t great, but they’re improving. Hey, we’re not West Virginia.

Kentucky is the headquarters for UPS Air, KFC and seasonal allergies. Technically, KFC is owned by another corporate brand – Yum! Brands, Inc. – that is headquartered here and owns other fast food chains under its corporate umbrella, but the other chains aren’t worth mentioning. Don’t believe me? Long John Silver’s. There, see? Totally not worth it.

We are actually the headquarters for a number of companies and institutions, but none make us more proud than the allergy thing. Kentucky is smack in the middle of what’s known as the Ohio River Valley, which wreaks havoc on allergy and sinus-infection sufferers. And we wear our allergies like a badge of honor. For some reason we are not home to any of the largest pharmaceutical manufacturers, but our citizens don’t have to venture far for relief, as our drug stores outnumber our roads 3:1.

We also make bourbon. A lot of it. And we grow tobacco, though the use of it is prohibited virtually everywhere, including outdoors. The same cannot be said for bourbon. It is enjoyed in our restaurants, at our sporting events and in our hospitals alike. Two other substances we produce that most doctors agree should be ingested in limited quantities are coal and moonshine. One is not produced in near the same volumes that it used to be, though. Or so we would have you believe.

Two things we can’t seem to make last, despite repeated attempts, are amusement parks and minor league hockey teams. The lack of staying power amongst our hockey teams is not surprising, but the disappearance of amusement parks is. After all, we produce a hugely popular state fair. The Kentucky State Fair, as a matter of fact, is the largest indoor fair in the country. Granted, the whole fair doesn’t take place indoors. The rides are outside. Most of the concerts are outside. And don’t forget about the racing pigs, those are outside as well. But the Kentucky State Fair utilizes the largest amount of indoor space of any other fair in the U.S. And apparently that’s reason enough to charge the public an arm and a leg to get in. To park, enter the gates, ride a couple of rides and eat, the average family of four can expect to pay approximately $3,000. Oddly enough, the fair is attended largely by members of the populace who look as if they could benefit greatly by putting $3,000 toward improving their dental situation. But then again, the fried Snickers bars are really good.

The first-ever hand transplant was performed here. We’re pretty sure the recipient was someone who lost their original hand while “enjoying” one of our many state fair rides, but don’t quote us on that.

Hall of Fame baseball player and U.S. Senator Jim Bunning was born here. Super Bowl-winning quarterback Phil Simms was born here AND went to college here. Oscar-winning actor George Clooney was born here, Golden Globe-winning actor Johnny Depp was born here, and Golden Globe-winning actor Tom Cruise went to high school here, though we don’t advertise that last one as much as we used to. Non-anything-winning actress Ashley Judd went to college here and she tends to advertise that herself.

In terms of sports, we are a college sports-loving state. Actually, around here football is a little like the middle child – it has its flashes of greatness, but it’s largely overlooked for the one we love most: basketball. The problem is that our largest school (the University of Kentucky [UK]) plays in the Southeastern Conference and usually fields a team that’s only capable of competing in the NFC West, at best. Then there’s our second largest school (the University of Louisville [UofL]), which changes conferences the way our beloved George Clooney changes girlfriends, and the football team has been known to operate as a bachelor (or independent of a conference) for long periods of time. Football just isn’t basketball. And basketball is our pageant-winning, spelling bee champ.

A lot of drama has surrounded our basketball teams lately. UK went for a long stretch of not winning any NCAA championships, until it hired a young upstart from New York as its coach. This young upstart took the school to two title games, winning one of them, in the mid to late ‘90s and then left for a more lucrative career in the NBA. After aging quickly in a job where he didn’t fare so well, the more established and not-so-young-anymore coach returned to the college ranks to lead UK’s cross-town (and biggest) rival – UofL. He soon followed that up by sharing a fettuccini-clad table top with a woman who wasn’t his wife and creating, as we’re sure Billy Joel would agree, quite the “Scene from an Italian Restaurant.” The woman later went on to try to extort money from the coach, exposing the evening to the public at large, and generating an enormous amount of amusement for those who root for UK.

To this day, both teams perform well during the college basketball season and both hope to one day win a championship. Even UK, which may or may not have to “vacate” any titles it might win in the near future.

Well, that about covers it for Kentucky. Oh, one other thing – horses. We should probably mention those.

So come and visit if you can. Heck, even stay a while as long as you’re not from… well, you know.

Introvert or Extrovert?

Like so many of the personality quizzes you have seen in publications, taken in school or taken online while killing time at work, the quiz below provides insight into whether the subject is an introvert or an extrovert. But unlike so many of them, the quiz below offers more than just two options per section, allowing the subject to make choices more befitting of their true nature.

Choose the one option from each section that most accurately describes you.

1) I am always the first to answer questions that are asked in a large social setting.
2) I usually let other people in large social settings answer questions, even if I know the answers.
3) If everyone in the group is contributing answers, then I’ll answer too so I don’t look like an idiot, but if one guy is answering everything, I’ll remain quiet and then ridicule him later with the rest of the group.

1) I work well by myself.
2) I work well in small groups or on a team.
3) I work well in small groups or on a team as long as there isn’t someone who skips out on all the meetings and then tries to take credit for a share of the work like a total douche bag.

1) If someone cuts in line, I usually bite my tongue.
2) If someone cuts in line, I usually say something to them.
3) If someone cuts in line, I usually ask my wife/girlfriend to say something to them.

1) I like to read.
2) I like to go to movies.
3) I like to read and go to movies. I don’t particularly like to read at movies, so I prefer there not be subtitles, but I’m okay with them as long as the whole movie isn’t in subtitles, like those foreign films that only come out at the end of the year. Of course sometimes those have nudity, but it’s hard to tell going in which ones will and which ones won’t. If I know for sure there won’t be nudity, then I prefer to read. Books, I mean. Or see a movie with Will Smith in it. He’s great.

1) I prefer a quiet evening at home.
2) I prefer a night on the town with friends.
3) I prefer a quiet evening at home if my friends’ plans include seeing a foreign film with subtitles that obviously won’t have nudity, and then eating at a tiny restaurant that serves what can only be described as “eclectic” food.

1) I have a lot of friends that I’m somewhat close with.
2) I have few friends, but I’m very close with all of them.
3) I’m closer to the ones that don’t always insist on eating at tiny eclectic restaurants.

1) During conversations, I usually speak the most.
2) During conversations, I prefer to listen.
3) During conversations, I’m happy not saying a word as long as the other person is telling me how impressed they are with my love-making abilities.

1) On airplanes, I like to bury my nose in a book.
2) On airplanes, I like to talk to the person next to me.
3) On airplanes, I only talk to the person next to me if they agree to recite lines from the movie Airplane.

1) I love going to parties.
2) I’m not a big fan of parties.
3) I’ll go to parties if I know that other cool people will be there.

1) At parties, I’m usually the center of attention.
2) At parties, I usually stay off to the side and watch others.
3) At parties, I hang out at the bar and drink until I say something inappropriate about or to the hosts’ wife.
4) I don’t get invited to parties.

1) I don’t mind being alone.
2) I get bored quickly when I’m alone.
3) I only get bored when I’m alone at work.
4) Actually, being alone at work is preferable to being in another self-righteous HR seminar about what constitutes appropriate behavior at the office Christmas party.

1) I am comfortable engaging in small talk with strangers.
2) I am uncomfortable engaging in small talk with strangers.
3) If the stranger and I are not on an airplane reciting lines from the movie Airplane, then I am only comfortable engaging in small talk if the bulk of our conversation consists of reciting lines from the movie Caddyshack. Otherwise, I am uncomfortable engaging in small talk with strangers.

1) I don’t mind public speaking.
2) Public speaking is my worst nightmare.
3) My worst nightmare involved my pet bunny mutating during a nuclear accident and savagely turning against me.

1) I prefer to be direct with people, even if I think I might offend them.
2) I try to avoid offending others at all costs.
3) Who wrote this ridiculous test, some pathetic psych major who’s overpaying for a useless graduate degree from a public university?

1) I have a cat.
2) I have a dog.
3) I have a cat and a dog.
4) I have appeared on the television show Hoarders because my house is so overrun with cats and dogs that I can no longer distinguish my furniture from their excrement.
5) I don’t have any pets.

Correct answers (yes, there are correct answers): 3; 1 (3 is unattainable); 3; 1; 2 (don’t be afraid to introduce some culture into your life); 2; 2 (3 is unattainable); 1 (even reciting lines from Airplane is no excuse for talking on an airplane); 3; 2; 4; 3; 3; 2 (the author has never been enrolled in graduate school); 4 is a bit worrisome, but the only unacceptable answer is 5