This Is Kentucky

Kentucky became a state in 1792, making us the 15th oldest state in the country (and currently 220 years of age). Our nickname is the “Bluegrass State,” even though, technically, we’re a Commonwealth. Our state bird is the cardinal, our state motto is “United We Stand, Divided We Fall,” and the tagline for our state brand (yes we have one) is “Unbridled Spirit,” which is admittedly more classy and subtle than our old brand tagline, “Teen Pregnancy Gets a Bad Rap.”

Kentucky is considered a member of the southeast region of the United States, even though only one state separates us from Lake Erie and 2-3 states separate us from the Gulf of Mexico (depending on the route you take). We were a divided state (or Commonwealth) during the Civil War. Speaking of…

Abraham Lincoln, the nation’s 16th president, was born here. Politically he was known to be from Illinois because he was elected to the House of Representatives as a citizen of that state, which followed his waking up in Illinois with a bunch of his college buddies during a weekend bender. He never came back to Kentucky. Who can blame him, really? Chicago is a pretty cool town.

Kentucky borders seven states, and the vast majority of our residents are incredibly grateful to not be living in four of them – Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia and Tennessee. We enjoy mocking and trading barbs with residents of Indiana, Ohio and Tennessee, but rarely is West Virginia discussed or even acknowledged. Many fear that the federal government will eliminate the recognized border between Kentucky and West Virginia, spilling thousands of “Mountaineers,” as they’re known, onto our Bluegrass and into our schools. It is because of this fear that we try not to think about West Virginia. We prefer that you don’t either.

We have two cities that you’ve probably heard of (Louisville and Lexington), one that you may have (Bowling Green) and a capitol that you probably haven’t (Frankfort). Our largest city, Louisville, is a lovely place. Despite being our most prosperous, most vibrant and most visible city, Louisville unfortunately has a bit of an inferiority complex that does not permeate the less prosperous, less vibrant and less visible areas of the state. This complex has led Louisville’s community leaders to spearhead a successful, albeit suspect, campaign to climb higher on the list of largest U.S. cities. It is also positioning itself, marketing-wise, as “Possibility City” in an attempt to attract residents of other states to move here. It’s not a bad idea, and there are certainly possibilities in Louisville, but with that comes the chance of attracting people from the four states previously mentioned.

A large portion of Kentucky exudes a sort of confidence that tends to make Louisville residents… nervous. But the rest of the state has no reason to not be confident. Sure, our overall standing in the dental community is less than stellar and our test scores aren’t great, but they’re improving. Hey, we’re not West Virginia.

Kentucky is the headquarters for UPS Air, KFC and seasonal allergies. Technically, KFC is owned by another corporate brand – Yum! Brands, Inc. – that is headquartered here and owns other fast food chains under its corporate umbrella, but the other chains aren’t worth mentioning. Don’t believe me? Long John Silver’s. There, see? Totally not worth it.

We are actually the headquarters for a number of companies and institutions, but none make us more proud than the allergy thing. Kentucky is smack in the middle of what’s known as the Ohio River Valley, which wreaks havoc on allergy and sinus-infection sufferers. And we wear our allergies like a badge of honor. For some reason we are not home to any of the largest pharmaceutical manufacturers, but our citizens don’t have to venture far for relief, as our drug stores outnumber our roads 3:1.

We also make bourbon. A lot of it. And we grow tobacco, though the use of it is prohibited virtually everywhere, including outdoors. The same cannot be said for bourbon. It is enjoyed in our restaurants, at our sporting events and in our hospitals alike. Two other substances we produce that most doctors agree should be ingested in limited quantities are coal and moonshine. One is not produced in near the same volumes that it used to be, though. Or so we would have you believe.

Two things we can’t seem to make last, despite repeated attempts, are amusement parks and minor league hockey teams. The lack of staying power amongst our hockey teams is not surprising, but the disappearance of amusement parks is. After all, we produce a hugely popular state fair. The Kentucky State Fair, as a matter of fact, is the largest indoor fair in the country. Granted, the whole fair doesn’t take place indoors. The rides are outside. Most of the concerts are outside. And don’t forget about the racing pigs, those are outside as well. But the Kentucky State Fair utilizes the largest amount of indoor space of any other fair in the U.S. And apparently that’s reason enough to charge the public an arm and a leg to get in. To park, enter the gates, ride a couple of rides and eat, the average family of four can expect to pay approximately $3,000. Oddly enough, the fair is attended largely by members of the populace who look as if they could benefit greatly by putting $3,000 toward improving their dental situation. But then again, the fried Snickers bars are really good.

The first-ever hand transplant was performed here. We’re pretty sure the recipient was someone who lost their original hand while “enjoying” one of our many state fair rides, but don’t quote us on that.

Hall of Fame baseball player and U.S. Senator Jim Bunning was born here. Super Bowl-winning quarterback Phil Simms was born here AND went to college here. Oscar-winning actor George Clooney was born here, Golden Globe-winning actor Johnny Depp was born here, and Golden Globe-winning actor Tom Cruise went to high school here, though we don’t advertise that last one as much as we used to. Non-anything-winning actress Ashley Judd went to college here and she tends to advertise that herself.

In terms of sports, we are a college sports-loving state. Actually, around here football is a little like the middle child – it has its flashes of greatness, but it’s largely overlooked for the one we love most: basketball. The problem is that our largest school (the University of Kentucky [UK]) plays in the Southeastern Conference and usually fields a team that’s only capable of competing in the NFC West, at best. Then there’s our second largest school (the University of Louisville [UofL]), which changes conferences the way our beloved George Clooney changes girlfriends, and the football team has been known to operate as a bachelor (or independent of a conference) for long periods of time. Football just isn’t basketball. And basketball is our pageant-winning, spelling bee champ.

A lot of drama has surrounded our basketball teams lately. UK went for a long stretch of not winning any NCAA championships, until it hired a young upstart from New York as its coach. This young upstart took the school to two title games, winning one of them, in the mid to late ‘90s and then left for a more lucrative career in the NBA. After aging quickly in a job where he didn’t fare so well, the more established and not-so-young-anymore coach returned to the college ranks to lead UK’s cross-town (and biggest) rival – UofL. He soon followed that up by sharing a fettuccini-clad table top with a woman who wasn’t his wife and creating, as we’re sure Billy Joel would agree, quite the “Scene from an Italian Restaurant.” The woman later went on to try to extort money from the coach, exposing the evening to the public at large, and generating an enormous amount of amusement for those who root for UK.

To this day, both teams perform well during the college basketball season and both hope to one day win a championship. Even UK, which may or may not have to “vacate” any titles it might win in the near future.

Well, that about covers it for Kentucky. Oh, one other thing – horses. We should probably mention those.

So come and visit if you can. Heck, even stay a while as long as you’re not from… well, you know.