“Aww, you didn’t have to do that.” (clears his throat and
reads aloud)
Hope
you’re back on your feet again soon so you
and I can get back to doing what we love most…
and I can get back to doing what we love most…
(opens
card)… Rolling in the hay!
“Uhh… what the hell, man?”
“Don’t you remember when we were kids and we used to jump off the hay bales at Grandpa Emmitt’s farm?”
“That’s not what this is referring to.”
“Says so right in the card. Anyway, I knew you’d like it.”
Justice Scalia and His Wife Attend a Party
“Pookie, everyone’s leaving. I think we should probably get our coats.”
“What are you talking about? There’s plenty of revelry to be had this evening.”
“Connie and David are walking out the door, and once they’re gone it’s just us and the Thompsons. And I don’t want to hear any more about their cat’s leprosy. We should go.”
“Scalia’s! Thanks so much for coming. Hope you had a great time.”
“We’re still having a great time! Can’t wait for charades.”
“Uhh… well, we might get a game going next time, but the crowds thinned quite a bit, so…”
“That’s ok, my wife and I will just have another glass of wine. Red, please.”
“Uhh… ok.”
- 20 minutes later -
“Sweetie, the Thompsons are gone and Roger is coming down the stairs in his pajamas.”
(Loud, exaggerated yawn) “Can’t believe how late it is. Well, thanks again for coming. And thanks for the head cheese.”
“Well don’t I feel silly in this coat and tie while you’re gallivanting around in your PJs! Here, let me just get these off and I’ll join you on the couch for a night cap. Cream, no sugar.”
“You want coffee now? Uhh… look… we’re… uhh… sort of… short on cream. But I think we have some half-n-half (dejectedly). Give me a minute.”
“I’ll be in the car, dear.”
Justice Scalia and His Wife Go to Dinner
“Sir, what looks good tonight?”
“Oh (audibly clicks his tongue)… I’m going to try the swordfish.”
“You may have noticed that below the swordfish listing it says ‘Availability subject to the season,’ and I’m afraid swordfish isn’t currently in season.”
“Sure it is.”
“It’s not, unfortunately.”
“How would you know? Your menu doesn’t specify which season its availability is subject to.”
“Swordfish happens to be one of those salt water fish that’s only in season during the fall.”
“Nonsense. I had some delicious swordfish last summer. Early summer, at that.”
“Well, that may be true, sir. But we only have it in the fall.”
“It’s always fall somewhere. You’re aware the earth revolves around the sun, aren’t you my good man? And revolutions around the sun cause a change in seasons all over the world, are you aware of that?”
“Yes sir, I’m aware of that. But it’s not fall in the United States, so we don’t currently have it.”
“Pookie, I don’t think this is one of those places where you order off the menu.”
“I’m not ordering off the menu. They have swordfish. I ordered swordfish. It matters not what season it is where the swordfish is served.”
“It matters precisely, sir. That’s why it says so on the menu.”
“If that’s your understanding of what it says on the menu, then words no longer have any meaning.”
“I’ll be in the car, dear.”
Justice Scalia Drives His Daughter to School
“Dad, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but mom says you’ve been driving a little erratically lately.”
“Your mother. Always with her opinions. I’ve had an impeccable driving record for more than 60 years. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”
“Just make sure you don’t miss the stop sign at the corner… Dad? Dad! Slow down, you’re almost there! Auuugggh! You just blew right through it!”
“What are you talking about?”
“The stop sign!”
“Oh please. That doesn’t mean anything. You know what I see when I look at that sign? Jiggery pokery.”
“What is wrong with you?! That doesn’t make any sense."
“Any reasonable person would agree that people have the right to decide for themselves if they should stop or not.”
“I’m riding with Mom from now on.”
“Uhh… what the hell, man?”
“Don’t you remember when we were kids and we used to jump off the hay bales at Grandpa Emmitt’s farm?”
“That’s not what this is referring to.”
“Says so right in the card. Anyway, I knew you’d like it.”
Justice Scalia and His Wife Attend a Party
“Pookie, everyone’s leaving. I think we should probably get our coats.”
“What are you talking about? There’s plenty of revelry to be had this evening.”
“Connie and David are walking out the door, and once they’re gone it’s just us and the Thompsons. And I don’t want to hear any more about their cat’s leprosy. We should go.”
“Scalia’s! Thanks so much for coming. Hope you had a great time.”
“We’re still having a great time! Can’t wait for charades.”
“Uhh… well, we might get a game going next time, but the crowds thinned quite a bit, so…”
“That’s ok, my wife and I will just have another glass of wine. Red, please.”
“Uhh… ok.”
- 20 minutes later -
“Sweetie, the Thompsons are gone and Roger is coming down the stairs in his pajamas.”
(Loud, exaggerated yawn) “Can’t believe how late it is. Well, thanks again for coming. And thanks for the head cheese.”
“Well don’t I feel silly in this coat and tie while you’re gallivanting around in your PJs! Here, let me just get these off and I’ll join you on the couch for a night cap. Cream, no sugar.”
“You want coffee now? Uhh… look… we’re… uhh… sort of… short on cream. But I think we have some half-n-half (dejectedly). Give me a minute.”
“I’ll be in the car, dear.”
Justice Scalia and His Wife Go to Dinner
“Sir, what looks good tonight?”
“Oh (audibly clicks his tongue)… I’m going to try the swordfish.”
“You may have noticed that below the swordfish listing it says ‘Availability subject to the season,’ and I’m afraid swordfish isn’t currently in season.”
“Sure it is.”
“It’s not, unfortunately.”
“How would you know? Your menu doesn’t specify which season its availability is subject to.”
“Swordfish happens to be one of those salt water fish that’s only in season during the fall.”
“Nonsense. I had some delicious swordfish last summer. Early summer, at that.”
“Well, that may be true, sir. But we only have it in the fall.”
“It’s always fall somewhere. You’re aware the earth revolves around the sun, aren’t you my good man? And revolutions around the sun cause a change in seasons all over the world, are you aware of that?”
“Yes sir, I’m aware of that. But it’s not fall in the United States, so we don’t currently have it.”
“Pookie, I don’t think this is one of those places where you order off the menu.”
“I’m not ordering off the menu. They have swordfish. I ordered swordfish. It matters not what season it is where the swordfish is served.”
“It matters precisely, sir. That’s why it says so on the menu.”
“If that’s your understanding of what it says on the menu, then words no longer have any meaning.”
“I’ll be in the car, dear.”
Justice Scalia Drives His Daughter to School
“Dad, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but mom says you’ve been driving a little erratically lately.”
“Your mother. Always with her opinions. I’ve had an impeccable driving record for more than 60 years. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”
“Just make sure you don’t miss the stop sign at the corner… Dad? Dad! Slow down, you’re almost there! Auuugggh! You just blew right through it!”
“What are you talking about?”
“The stop sign!”
“Oh please. That doesn’t mean anything. You know what I see when I look at that sign? Jiggery pokery.”
“What is wrong with you?! That doesn’t make any sense."
“Any reasonable person would agree that people have the right to decide for themselves if they should stop or not.”
“I’m riding with Mom from now on.”
Justice Scalia Tells Time
“Excuse me, sir. Do you know what time it is?”
“Well, if you look at my watch, you’ll see that it says exactly 6:30 p.m. To you, though, maybe. To me, the little hand and the big hand are both halfway between noon and midnight, which means that it should be 6 p.m. because exactly halfway between noon and midnight is 6 p.m., not 6:30.”
“Well, when it’s six o’clock, the hour hand is halfway between noon and midnight, so I think you just go by the hour hand.”
“BUT, at noon, both hands are pointing at the 12, right? And by the time it’s midnight, they both have traveled all the way around the face of the clock to end back at the same point. SO, when they’re both pointing at the six SHOULD be the halfway point, which means it SHOULD be six o’cl…
“You know what? Nevermind. I don’t care.”
Justice Scalia Watches Late-Night TV
“Maybe you heard this - earlier today the Supreme Court voted 5-4 that no state can deny gay couples the right to marry. How ‘bout that, huh? One of the dissenting votes came from 79-year-old Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote in his opinion that the microwave in the break room doesn’t get his oatmeal warm enough."
(Scalia doubles over in laughter) "Zing! Right you are, my colleagues are idiots. I like this guy. He's no Alan King, but he's alright in my book."
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