Scenes From the Near Future: Vacationing Americans on Their First Guided Tour of Fidel Castro’s Home

Tour Guide: Welcome everyone! Thank you for coming. My name is Maria and I’ll be your tour guide this afternoon. You have the honor of being the first American tour group to see President Fidel Castro’s home! As you can see, it’s quite opulent, but once we’re inside, I think you’ll find that it’s rather cozy, and just like the White House for your president, it doubles as his work space.

Before we begin, I ask that you please refrain from taking pictures, touching anything within the house, or using any of the restrooms. The house has had some plumbing issues lately that we hope Doug’s Plumbing will have rectified by the end of the week.

We’ll enter the house through the sprawling veranda, which overlooks the beautiful Atlantic Coast. This is where Fidel hosts tea for many foreign dignitaries, including Kim Jung-Un, Xi Jinping, from time to time Vladimir Putin, and of course, the Pope. We’ll finish back here at the end of the tour so you can enjoy some freshly baked cookies and pink lemonade while taking in the view.

(A collective “Oooooh” rings out from the group)

Tour Guide: We’ll enter the house here through the kitchen, where you can see President Castro’s staff is dutifully tending to his lunch preparation. You might be interested to know that Fidel requests the same sandwich for lunch every day – two white pieces of bread covered in a food-like spread that you know more commonly in the States as PB&J.

Now, before anyone asks, I will not be able to divulge where Fidel eats his lunch. And no, he will not be joining us on the veranda during cookies and lemonade. For an additional $3,000 you may take the VIP tour with Simone, but your chances of having lunch with Fidel increase only slightly, depending on the day.

Let’s move onto the American memorabilia room. In here, the staff has compiled Fidel’s favorite pieces either from America, or that represent American culture. For instance, there on the wall is Elvis’ first gold record. Below that on the desk is George Steinbrenner’s ring from the New York Yankees’ 1978 World Series title. Here is an oil painting that Fidel did himself of George Lucas and Pee Wee Herman riding a tandem bicycle.

(Bob from St. Pete is heard taking a picture with his iPhone)

No pictures, please! I have to ask you to delete that. Fidel feels very strongly about maintaining his privacy from those who are not paying the tour fee. Thank you.

If you open this closet, you’ll see a box at the top that contains over 1,000 Cracker Jack toys dating back to 1983. Despite the fact that the toys haven’t varied much in over 30 years, he has insisted on saving every toy out of every Cracker Jack box he’s eaten. At the bottom of the closet is a box of VHS tapes that contain every episode of Golden Girls. Huuuuuge Blanche fan. He says he loved her accent, but we all suspect it was her promiscuity.

Now, the walls in this room are so full that we had to put Fidel’s framed photos of himself with the various U.S. Presidents in this hallway leading to the office.

Linda from Cincinnati: I’m sorry, did you say he has photos of himself with U.S. Presidents?

Tour Guide: Oh yes! All of them dating back 50 years. Well, all of them except President Obama. Every year on January 1^st, he insists that his Chief of Staff send President Obama a text that says “We’ll be sure to have you down just as soon as we finalize plans on the closing ceremonies for Guantanamo Bay.” He then has him send an emoji of a winky face followed by an emoji of a middle finger. We tell him how immature he’s being, but… you know dictators.

As you can see, in each photograph Fidel and the president are shoulder to shoulder, pointing at each other and smiling from ear to ear. It’s his favorite pose. Here he is with President Gerald Ford. Obviously it’s Christmas time because Ford is dressed as Santa Claus. Here he is with President Reagan during one of their all-night poker binges. Here he is with President Nixon. Interesting fact: Nixon came down every year for Cuba’s gay pride parade.

(The group let’s out a collective “Ahhhhhh”)

Here he is with President Carter sharing a Big Mac. Oddly enough, there were plenty of Big Macs at the luncheon. No one has really figured out why they were sharing one. Here is President Clinton visiting while Fidel’s nieces and their sorority sisters are home for the summer. Here is George H. W. Bush in town to see the cock fights. Here is Bush’s son, George W. Bush, dressed as a rodeo clown during the rodeo held on the property. He insisted on being in the barrel for the entire bull-riding portion of the competition. Drove your Secret Service crazy.

Ah, now here is Fidel with President Lyndon Johnson. You’ll notice that both of them are riding pigs and that the pigs are wearing berets. This is his favorite picture.

Todd from Mobile: Is there a photo of him with President Kennedy?

Tour Guide: (laughs very nervously while looking over her shoulder) Ok, let’s keep moving.

Now here is Fidel’s office. Beautiful wood paneling, the original shag carpeting, a security system that can monitor activity over the entire compound… this is where most of the decisions have been made that have shaped our country’s history for the last 55 years.

(The guide notices the entire group staring at a large, red button encased in glass on Castro’s desk.)

What? You all are fascinated by the button? It’s not terribly exciting, I’m afraid.

(The group lets out a collective gasp as she flips up the glass and pushes the button without hesitation. A brief siren goes off, followed by a loud bell. Everyone looks out the window to see dozens of chickens run out of their pens and into the yard.)

Fidel pushes this thing 3-5 times a day to let his chickens get some exercise. He’s raised all manner of hens since he was a boy. He has a certain kinship with the birds. (She pauses for a moment.) You all thought it was for something else?

(Everyone shakes their heads without speaking)

Dale from Boise: (picking up a box on Fidel’s desk) Oooh, are these real Cuban cigars? (He flips the box over) “Producto de China.”

Tour Guide: (quickly grabbing the box) Didn’t you hear me say at the beginning of the tour not to touch anything? I should have known this group was going to be a problem.

I’m afraid that’s the end of the inside portion of the tour, so let’s move back outside so you can watch the firing squad practice. And let’s hope everyone can follow the rules a little more closely out there than you did in here.