Things I Pondered While Waiting to See if I Would Get Picked for Jury Duty

I wonder if we’ll get donuts.

I wonder if that cop’s gun is real.

Oh shit, I wonder if that citizen’s gun is real.

Or is that a shoe?

No, it’s an éclair. Motherfucker, where did he get that éclair?

What if we talked out of our butts and pooped out of our faces?

Would we still wear pants?

Our conversations would be very muffled. Especially through pants.

Then again, everyone could wear assless pants. Then we’d hear each other ok, I guess.

We’d be looking at each other’s asses all the time, though. I’m gonna wager that’d be an unpleasant view more often than not.

Of course, we wouldn’t be looking at the person’s ass we’re having a conversation with because the asses would be facing each other. We’d never see the facial expression of the person we’re talking to.

What if people wore pants on their heads?

If pants went on our heads due to the fact that we pooped out of our faces and we didn’t want to have muffled butt conversations, we wouldn’t be able to see.

I guess we could just cut eye holes in the pants. If we can cut the ass out of pants that we wear over our legs, we can just as easily cut eye holes out of pants we wear over our heads.

Plus, without pants on our heads, we would easily smell each other’s horrible breath. Breath so bad that it couldn’t be rectified. Oh, that’s a funny word – rectified – given this train of thought.

We’d have to wear pants on our heads.

Ah hell, that would look ridiculous though. There’d be nothing to fill the leg sleeves. We’d have unfilled leg sleeves just blowing in the wind. It would waste too much fabric.

Oh, oh, and if we didn’t have pants over our legs, everyone’s genitals would be hanging out. That would probably be a bigger concern than exposed buttocks.

So we either wear assless pants that at least cover our genitals and don’t muffle our conversations, or we wear pants on our heads that cover our poop breath, but waste a lot of fabric thanks to unfilled leg sleeves.

Huh.

I think it’s pretty irrefutable that we’d wear pants on our heads AND our legs.

That’s a lot of pants.

Oh wait, if we still put food in our mouths, while poop came out of them, there’s NO WAY we’d wear pants on our heads. That would be an enormous inconvenience. Can you imagine unbuttoning a pair of pants and raising them over your chin every time you wanted to shove a damn potato chip down your gullet? People love eating too much.

Like that guy over there.

Son of a bitch! He has an éclair too! They must be in the building.

I wonder if I can just ask a bailiff where the éclairs are?

Nah. He probably doesn’t want to field a bunch of éclair questions.

Oh, you know what else people love to do even more than eating? Breathing. Eye holes in the pants on our heads would be nice, but I didn’t factor the need for nose and mouth holes. Well, that’s that. Poop breath or not, we’d never wear pants on our heads.

Alright, so what if food didn’t continue to go in our mouths?

What if we talked out of AND ate with our butts? The pants on our legs would have to be assless, even if it meant we’d see fat guys’ asses like that jerk over there with the éclair. 

Oh shit. Would we stop sitting down? If we sat down we’d crush our voice boxes. We’d have to stand up to talk, watch TV, travel… Riding bikes would be a thing of the past. Cab drivers everywhere would be out of work. Sitting down to eat would suck too. Can you imagine leaning to the side every time you wanted to put a spoonful of Raisin Bran up your butt?

Our legs would get so tired from all the standing. We’d be a nation of wall-leaners.

Damn.

“How is this gonna work?”

“How is what going to work, sir?”

“Huh?”

“How is what going to work?”

“Oh, hello officer. Uhh… nothing. I guess I was just talking to myself.”

“Yeah, we see a lot of that from potential jurors.”

“Say, do you know what floor the éclairs are on?”

“They’re not here, I checked. That guy brought some in for himself and his friend, apparently.”

“Oh. Well that sucks.”

“Yeah. He can shove that éclair up his butt."

"I like the way you think, officer."