A Firefighter Talks to Mrs. Schulz’s Middle School Class About Firework Safety

Thanks for having me here today. This looks like a great class! I want to thank Mrs. Schulz for asking me to come and speak with you.

There are all sorts of things you should know about fire safety, but with July 4th just around the corner, I want to talk to you today about how to be safe around fireworks. I know a lot of you will be near friends and family who will handle them, or you’ll be handling them yourselves, so let’s go over some important tips.

First and foremost, never light any kind of firework indoors. Second, always be on a flat surface like asphalt or concrete with nothing else around you when you’re lighting fireworks. And never try to light anything on a grassy surface. That’s how fires break out.

It looks like we have a question. Go ahead.

That’s right, a fire will spread faster if the ground is very dry, but even with the rainy season we’ve had this year, you still don’t want to set off fireworks on grass or near trees and other brush.

Yes, you have a question?

Can you shoot fireworks out of your genitals? Wow. I’ve never been asked that question. No, obviously you should never do that. In fact, you shouldn’t shoot fireworks off any part of your body or even hold them in your hands. Sparklers are about the only thing you can hold in your hand, and even those are dangerous. So be very careful when doing so.

Any other questions? Yes, you in the back?

No, you should never shoot fireworks out of your friends’ genitals either. Don’t ever shoot them off of your body or anyone else’s body. That’s very dangerous.

I’m sorry? Can you shoot them out of a dead guy’s genitals? Ok, what grade level is this again? Seventh. Ahh. Well, I get the sense that you’re trying to embarrass me, but that’s alright. I can actually answer that silly question with a serious answer. It’s illegal to desecrate a corpse in most counties, including this one, so that would be a bad idea.

Now, let’s get back to some tips when lighting fireworks. Always make sure to read the directions in full before lighting anything, even if it’s something you have set off in previous years. Safety warnings are updated regularly and… oh, it looks like we have another question. Go ahead.

A dead animal’s genitals. You know what, you guys are acting like you just learned that word, which I find hard to believe. Don’t laugh because I said “hard.” Do not laugh because I said “hard!”

Where did Mrs. Schultz go? She just left? Every day, she does that? Why did you put air quotes around “mental health break?” It doesn’t matter. Listen, I’ve got some other advice for you guys. Only you think this is funny. No one else laughs like this when they hear that word. In fact, if anyone else saw how you are behaving, they would think you’re acting ridiculous. At this age, you should really have more evolved senses of humor. So, let’s elevate this discussion to a level that’s more appropriate for the young ladies and gentlemen that you are.

Now, have any of you ever been hurt in a fireworks accident or know anyone who has? Really, you know someone? Can you tell us about it? Your brother died? Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry to hear that. Is it something you’re able to talk about? Ok, well if you wouldn’t mind sharing what happened, it could be a valuable lesson for the class.

Seriously? Are you serious right now? I never want to dismiss the loss of a loved one, but when you tell me he died by shooting them out of his genitals, I find it really hard to believe given everything that’s been said. You may not know this, but when something like that happens, parents can get in a lot of trouble and sometimes other children in the household can even be taken away from them.

Come again? You live with your grandmother now because of the accident? Oh. Ok. Wow, I’m so sorry. I thought you were joking.

You see this, guys? His family suffered a real tragedy and you all have turned it into a joke. In my profession, one of the most important tasks you have is to pick up your fellow firefighters, not just physically, but emotionally. It’s vital to have a strong support system. There’s nothing funny about losing a loved one, no matter how it happens.

You’re scared of your grandmother? Uh… well, if you want I can walk you down to the office and see if the school counselor can schedule some time to talk to you. Or if you’re not comfortable doing that, there’s a grief counselor assigned to our unit that is great with this type of thing. I’m not sure how much experience she has with kids, but… what’s that?

You’re scared of your grandmother because she shoots fireworks out of her genitals. Alright, I know I have 20 minutes left, but I’m going to wrap this up. Tell Mrs. Schulz whatever you want. And try to be safe this Fourth of July.