First of all, we have to be nurtured for decades before we can live on our own, and some of us can only do so for, like, 6 months before moving back home. Some people never even try to live on their own. More and more people it seems. Animals, on the other hand, get shown the door weeks after they’re born. Mama birds bring their babies a mouthful of worms on that first day and then proclaim, “This is what we eat, ok? You’ll find them on the ground. Now get your shit and get out.”
And animals are fine after that! They know how to be animals. They quickly adapt to their surroundings and the environment. They don’t need years of tutelage before understanding how to take care of themselves or other animals. People receive massive amounts of guidance and then turn around and consult books, friends, neighbors, and doctors to learn how to pass on that same guidance to their own offspring.
Trees seem to do pretty well on their own too. If a tree is left alone, its roots will spread and it will grow to be really tall and every year at the same time its leaves will turn colors and then fall off and then regenerate over and over throughout its life. No one has to show it how to do that or tell it to be considerate of the other trees. It never looks at the tree next to it and says, “You’re not really fulfilling all of my emotional needs.”
If that’s not pathetic enough, we also need all kinds of bring-me-downs. Why? Because we can’t sleep right, either. None of us. It’s pretty ridiculous when you think about it. How do millions of us struggle with one of the few things that living creatures are biologically programmed to do? From birth to death, humans don’t know how to do it. Babies and old people are up all night pissing themselves, and the rest of us can’t fall asleep or stay asleep or we get up and walk around while we sleep or we temporarily stop breathing while we sleep.
I injure myself while I sleep, that’s my thing. I don’t grab sharp objects and stab myself with them, but I roll over so vigorously I put myself in traction. I fall asleep feeling fine and wake up with a herniated disk. Never seen that happen to a cow. Cows can sleep standing up for God’s sake. Or can they? That might just be a myth. But that’s what humans do. We don’t just gossip about other people, we gossip about animals.
"You know that will kill you, right?"
“But it’s so good!!”
We don’t just screw up eating, sleeping and parenting. If those were the only things we got wrong, we wouldn’t need a million and one self-help books. Or therapists. Or motivational speakers. Human beings are so illogical that many of us devote our lives to studying the behavior of others. Whales are a mystery, sure. Mosquitos? We still haven’t figured out their purpose. But how do millions of people do things that make millions of other members of the same species go, “Whoa. That’s fucked up.”
Then there’s the fact that, as I mentioned earlier, we’re not exactly civil. We kill each other without any plans to eat the person we kill or wear their body for warmth. It took all of mankind thousands of years and countless wars before we collectively agreed that owning other people isn’t really appropriate. And somewhere along the way we decided only men who put their pee-pees in hoo-has and only women whose hoo-has accept pee-pees can receive tax benefits by cohabitating or visit their loved ones in the hospital.
Is life really this hard?
Judging by the 2016 presidential race, the answer is: Yes, life really is this hard. Based on who we’ve picked to lead us, none of us has any idea what we’re doing, and we apparently have no hope for the future.
But we’ve never been good at this. Oh sure, we’ve managed to extend our life spans, which would make it appear as if the medical community at least knows what it’s doing, but that just means we get to bathe in our misery longer. After all, who are the angriest people you know? That’s right, old people.
Collectively, we have always searched for, and tried to define, happiness.
Who’s happy? You happy? I’m not happy? Why aren’t you happy? Why should I be happy? What makes us happy? Money? Power? Love? Friends? Family? Beer? Maybe a new job would make me happy. Or a relationship. Or a change of scenery. Or just a vacation. Or maybe I have everything and I’m still not happy. Well, I don’t have everything. I don’t have what that guy’s got.
How much of our lives are wasted trying to achieve the things we think will make us happy? Maybe we’d be happier if we didn’t try so hard to find happiness. But it’s rooted in our souls to believe we are entitled to happiness. At least it is for Americans. Our freaking Declaration of Independence says one of only three unalienable rights as human beings is the “Pursuit of Happiness.”
Even the Founding Fathers knew we'd never find happiness, but damnit, no one was going to stop us from looking for it.
Happiness would come a lot easier if mankind was better at accepting its limitations. You would think that if something as necessary to survival as oxygen were in short supply at an altitude as high as, let’s say, Mt. Everest, then people wouldn’t do something as counterproductive as climb to said height. Or that if a body of water was filled with something as detrimental to our survival as, let’s say, sharks, then people wouldn’t fling themselves into said water. You would of course be wrong on both counts.
And yet somehow, despite such limited brain capacity, animals know their strengths and weaknesses. For instance, dogs can instinctively swim, but they never try to swim across Lake Michigan just because “it’s there.” And dogs are the happiest damn creatures on Earth.
Humans even spent millions of dollars to get to the moon so America could feel good about itself, and ever since we’ve talked about visiting and even colonizing other planets. Because that will make us all happy? Has anyone seen The Martian? He grew potatoes from his poop, people!
But noooooo… we always have to kick life in the balls in order to make it worthwhile. Which is kind of cruel towards life when you think about it.
Then again, life sure isn’t making things easy for us, apparently.
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