An Open Letter to the Ministry of 2016 Presidential Debate Schedulers

It is a Ministry, right? I don’t know the official title that your group holds, but I assume you’re made up of some folks on the left, some folks on the right, and some cable and network TV execs. Therefore it has to be a title that doesn’t just represent a portion of its members, and one that everybody agrees paints the committee in a favorable light, without settling on “committee” of course, since that’s not very flashy. Conglomerate, maybe?

Whatever your title, my point for writing is to ask a simple question. Can we please not do this? You know, have the debates?

I realize that not having the presidential debates would be without precedent, but let’s face it – this election itself is unprecedented. You have one candidate whom the people didn’t want in 2012 and the party doesn’t want now, and the other candidate whom the people didn’t want in 2008 and may not want now either, but we’ll never know for sure because their party attempted to sabotage the chances of the guy with the catchy, STDish sounding slogan. We saw a sizeable number of people protesting their own party’s nominee during BOTH conventions. The conventions! No one protests at the conventions!! That’s like buying tickets to boo the Globetrotters.

So even though they’re bound to be exceedingly entertaining, it’s safe to say no one wants to see these upcoming debates. Actually, that’s probably not true. For the sheer entertainment value, a lot of people probably do want to see them, but they shouldn’t. For the sake of their mental and emotional well-being.

And besides being poor for our health, the debates will be utterly pointless. For starters, and this has never been more true in any election year, there is nothing that anyone will learn about either candidate between now and the election that will make them change their vote. Nothing. But dubbing this year’s debates “a massive waste of time” isn’t telling the whole story. Like a monkey throwing poop is to comedy, these debates will be the lowest form of their art (in this case democracy, supposedly). And anyone unfortunate enough to witness a debate and a shit-slinging monkey in person will walk away feeling remarkably the same both times.

If you’re more optimistic of how the debates will turn out, what do you think is the best case scenario? Because I can tell you what their ceiling is: professional wrestling. The candidates already devolved into making comments about each other that are no more intelligible than the interviews preceding Wrestlemania. And need I remind you that one of the candidates actually participated in said event a few years ago? Even if you do need reminding, you can certainly guess which candidate it was, right? It was Trump. For fuck’s sake, of course it was Trump. That’s the kind of environment he’s most comfortable in – a spectacle.

We don’t need more spectacle. We need for the two nominees to go into hiding until November. By continuing to talk for the next 7 weeks, they will accomplish nothing more than to fuel our hatred for them even more. People all across the country have made it clear that what is motivating them to vote for their chosen candidate is an all-consuming, unparalleled hatred for the other candidate. A hatred that has seeped into every crevice of their soul and painted it black using pitch forks covered in sand paper.

Is that what you want? More hatred? Not sure why I asked that question, really. Of course that’s what you want.

Well, I guess your wish will soon be granted. And our ears will burn like the caverns of Hell.

Yours truly,

The Nation