I Have a Dream

This morning, like millions of American citizens, I am going to vote. This evening, after a full day of work, I will sit with my children and watch the numbers come in, all the while explaining to them the electoral process that determines our president every four years.

And long after my kids have gone to bed, I will stay up to see just who in fact will be the next leader of the free world. And the only thing I hope for, my sole wish for the outcome of this election cycle, is after one of the candidates is determined the winner, I would like to see both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk on a single stage together, look one another in the eye, and embrace.

And I’d like them to hold that embrace so that we may all believe for a brief, fleeting moment that humanity has been restored to politics. I’d like for them to pull back from that embrace, smile sincerely, and then satisfy each other, physically, in a manner that neither has been satisfied before.

On live TV, on an empty stage, save for the backdrop of American flags, I’d like to see Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton satisfy each other in ways that few others in history have experienced, and even fewer will appreciate in the future. I want their vigorous, odd enjoyment of each other to ring out across our television sets, bringing hope and confusion to all, and nausea to many.

And as they pleasure one another over and over on television feeds that refuse to cut away to anything else, I also hope that the internet simultaneously ceases to exist. That anyone wishing to share in the moment online or comment on it in any way is unable to do so. And I wish that, despite the cameras rolling until the end of their marathon love-making session, none of the networks retain any copies of the hairy, sweaty, flabby ordeal.

With no way to re-watch what happened post-election, I want people to stumble into the streets the next morning and ask each other if what they saw was real. Millions of people around the world will assure each other that they did see the two candidates do things they didn’t think were possible, but their memories will be the only thing that allows them to conjure the event again.

And even though the dissolution of the internet means we will have to return to stores to purchase material goods, and call pizza delivery chains to order our future pizzas, it also means we will no longer inadvertently read comments about how shitty someone else’s online ordering experience was. And even though it means blogs like this one will be no more, it also means I will stop having reasons to think all my friends are douchebags.

And on January 20, 2017, I would like to see my neighbor Frank sworn in as our next president. Because he seems like a decent guy.

That is my wish. My hope. My dream.