If you’re a regular visitor to this blog, you’ve probably realized that I’ve made a lot of design changes. Hope you like them. If this is the first time you’ve visited this blog, you don’t care about the changes and you’re probably disappointed because you’ve no doubt stumbled upon this page by mistake. Even so, feel free to look around.
I should warn you, though, you’ll quickly realize that there’s no pornography on this site, so my pleas to get you to stay are surely futile. If that’s the case, I can only say thanks for stopping by and good luck in your search.
As for the rest of you, check out the pictures I added. Pretty snazzy, huh? NASA should be calling me at any moment. And when you’re done here, check out Humor-Blogs.com. It has very little porn, but plenty of laughs. Or is it the other way around?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Writing at a 19th Grade Level
For Valentine's Day, in addition to a thoughtful gift, a delicious home-cooked meal and an overall pleasant evening with my family, I also received a rather big surprise. Keep in mind, I've always been annoyed at people who tout their very young children as "geniuses" or "prodigies" simply because they seem to be advancing a little faster than the average child their age. But I think I'm being completely objective when I say my infant son may truly possess such qualities.
Just before opening the boxer shorts that he got for me, which I can only assume he paid for with money he stole from one of the other pre-toddlers at his daycare, or earned in a manner that would shame even the kids working in Nike factories, I read the card that he made for me. It read, and I quote:
Just before opening the boxer shorts that he got for me, which I can only assume he paid for with money he stole from one of the other pre-toddlers at his daycare, or earned in a manner that would shame even the kids working in Nike factories, I read the card that he made for me. It read, and I quote:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Thank you for changing
My diapers o' poo
I'm very glad 'cause,
You might realize,
I'm near to the source,
So the stink burns my eyes
But mom and I think
The time is now here
For you to tend to
Your own stinky rear
To help with that task
This gift is for you
Use it when changing
Your own pile o' poo
Honestly, even if it was someone else's child, I would think that's pretty good for an 11 month old. Now I admit the content is a little crude, but kids his age tend to find subject matter like this funny, so I overlooked it. What I can't overlook, though, is that he's able to read and write before having even said his first word. Not only that, he can write in rhyme. That's a little unusual, right? I mean, I'm no child development specialist, but that seems advanced.
I don't want to jump the gun, but I think it's safe to say my wife and I can plan for retirement in no more than five years, after he's patented his invention that lets you travel through time or reach an actual person when calling your insurance company.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
He Likes It in There
The other day my friend Brad gave me some unsolicited advice on child rearing, which was this: as a means to keep my son from wreaking havoc when we’re in public, we should tie him to a leash. I told him I was not comfortable putting a leash on my 11-month-old child because of the freedoms it would provide. That’s why my wife and I like to keep him in a type of rolling cage.
Actually, the cage itself doesn’t roll. We have a more crude design in which he’s placed inside a small, but ample-sized crate that sits atop a wagon, which we pull through stores/restaurants/the doctor’s office, etc… Sure we get a lot of disgusted looks, as well as some rude comments about our mental well being, but it’s like I told my friend – we’re raising a child, not running for office.
Besides, some people just need to feel like they’re better than you, and if our caged offspring gives them that sense of superiority, then so be it. We’re more than capable of dealing with the outlandish comments, like “You will permanently warp his social skills” and “You’re treating him like an animal,” by pointing out to the accuser that their pants make them look fat or their teeth look like piano keys.
But whatever your view is on the matter, let’s all try to keep a little perspective. It’s not like we’re going to send him to public school or something.
And in case you thought I was joking...
Actually, the cage itself doesn’t roll. We have a more crude design in which he’s placed inside a small, but ample-sized crate that sits atop a wagon, which we pull through stores/restaurants/the doctor’s office, etc… Sure we get a lot of disgusted looks, as well as some rude comments about our mental well being, but it’s like I told my friend – we’re raising a child, not running for office.
Besides, some people just need to feel like they’re better than you, and if our caged offspring gives them that sense of superiority, then so be it. We’re more than capable of dealing with the outlandish comments, like “You will permanently warp his social skills” and “You’re treating him like an animal,” by pointing out to the accuser that their pants make them look fat or their teeth look like piano keys.
But whatever your view is on the matter, let’s all try to keep a little perspective. It’s not like we’re going to send him to public school or something.
And in case you thought I was joking...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
You Want How Much?
Well, my 2008 is off to a rousing start. I just left my tax preparer’s office. This is the first year that I’ve ever paid someone else to do the paperwork on my taxes, and it turned out to be more painful than doing it myself. I didn’t think that was possible because if you’ve ever filed your own taxes, you know it feels a lot like watching your dog get hit by a car. But sure enough, this was worse. However, I left feeling lucky that the government isn’t looking for me (as far as I know).
They certainly have every right to be looking for me.
It turns out I owe the government a lot of money. A lot of money. And this isn’t an amount that would be considered ‘a lot’ by some people, but ‘a little’ by others. Oprah would consider this a lot of money. Up until the meeting with the tax preparer, I was unaware of this, of course.
The problem arose because the status of my job requires me to pay state and federal income taxes on a quarterly basis, only I have to do so without having my wages and withholdings typed out and mailed to me on a single piece of paper. That means I have to estimate my quarterly payments. For anyone who isn’t a CPA, this is a bad idea.
My wife and I had an opportunity to save a little money this year by filing before January 31, but this put us in a time crunch, so we hurriedly gathered up all of our paperwork and met with a consultant. I handed the nice lady my pay stubs from 2007, as well as my estimated tax statements so that she could figure out our 2008 payment. At about the halfway point of adding the numbers, she shifted her gaze from her computer screen and looked at me as if Cameron Diaz’s brother from There’s Something About Mary had prepared our taxes last year.
“Your 2007 totals were a little off,” she said.
I wasn’t surprised by this news, but when she told me just how far off I was, I’m pretty sure I suffered a stroke. I broke out in a sweat, my legs went numb and my ears started ringing. Given my temporarily-diminished hearing, I couldn’t quite make out her next statement, but I’m pretty sure she said, “A goat could have gotten closer.”
Obviously I never should have attempted to file our taxes without professional help. And if I had thought back to my college days, I would have known that it was a bad idea before getting started. During my time as a semi-declared business major, I had to take a basic accounting class. Things seemed to go fine, but at the end of the semester, my final grade was an H.
After accounting came a semester of finance, which I took through correspondence. If you’ve never done this before, it means you read the book and turn in scheduled assignments, but you don’t attend class. This sounded great, but without a professor to explain the material or to be there when I had questions, it was hard as hell. But I did the assignments, turned them in every week, and at the end of the course I received a letter in the mail that read “Congratulations on completing all of the course work. However, you are not enrolled in this university. Please stop wasting everyone’s time.”
Despite these setbacks, I’ve always done my own taxes since first stepping foot into the “real world.” Believe it or not, it used to be easy. When I didn't have a child, a home or other deductions to itemize, and I had a job that extended me wonderful benefits, like sending me a W-2 every year, filing my taxes wasn’t too complicated.
Now it’s… well, like watching my dog get hit by a car.
So instead of sending our son to college, or feeding him for the next two years, we’ll be paying the government a large sum of money. We’ll also be paying someone to figure this out in the future. Hopefully someone with a slogan that instills the utmost confidence in us that their calculations are accurate. Something like, “Franks and beans!”
That’s someone I would trust with my money.
They certainly have every right to be looking for me.
It turns out I owe the government a lot of money. A lot of money. And this isn’t an amount that would be considered ‘a lot’ by some people, but ‘a little’ by others. Oprah would consider this a lot of money. Up until the meeting with the tax preparer, I was unaware of this, of course.
The problem arose because the status of my job requires me to pay state and federal income taxes on a quarterly basis, only I have to do so without having my wages and withholdings typed out and mailed to me on a single piece of paper. That means I have to estimate my quarterly payments. For anyone who isn’t a CPA, this is a bad idea.
My wife and I had an opportunity to save a little money this year by filing before January 31, but this put us in a time crunch, so we hurriedly gathered up all of our paperwork and met with a consultant. I handed the nice lady my pay stubs from 2007, as well as my estimated tax statements so that she could figure out our 2008 payment. At about the halfway point of adding the numbers, she shifted her gaze from her computer screen and looked at me as if Cameron Diaz’s brother from There’s Something About Mary had prepared our taxes last year.
“Your 2007 totals were a little off,” she said.
I wasn’t surprised by this news, but when she told me just how far off I was, I’m pretty sure I suffered a stroke. I broke out in a sweat, my legs went numb and my ears started ringing. Given my temporarily-diminished hearing, I couldn’t quite make out her next statement, but I’m pretty sure she said, “A goat could have gotten closer.”
Obviously I never should have attempted to file our taxes without professional help. And if I had thought back to my college days, I would have known that it was a bad idea before getting started. During my time as a semi-declared business major, I had to take a basic accounting class. Things seemed to go fine, but at the end of the semester, my final grade was an H.
After accounting came a semester of finance, which I took through correspondence. If you’ve never done this before, it means you read the book and turn in scheduled assignments, but you don’t attend class. This sounded great, but without a professor to explain the material or to be there when I had questions, it was hard as hell. But I did the assignments, turned them in every week, and at the end of the course I received a letter in the mail that read “Congratulations on completing all of the course work. However, you are not enrolled in this university. Please stop wasting everyone’s time.”
Despite these setbacks, I’ve always done my own taxes since first stepping foot into the “real world.” Believe it or not, it used to be easy. When I didn't have a child, a home or other deductions to itemize, and I had a job that extended me wonderful benefits, like sending me a W-2 every year, filing my taxes wasn’t too complicated.
Now it’s… well, like watching my dog get hit by a car.
So instead of sending our son to college, or feeding him for the next two years, we’ll be paying the government a large sum of money. We’ll also be paying someone to figure this out in the future. Hopefully someone with a slogan that instills the utmost confidence in us that their calculations are accurate. Something like, “Franks and beans!”
That’s someone I would trust with my money.
Monday, January 28, 2008
What Would Mr. Rogers Do?
Being a good neighbor is important. It helps establish friendships, solidifies ties in the community and generally spreads happiness and camaraderie in our society. Being a good neighbor can have karmic effects, like having someone there to help keep you out of harms way or get you out of a jam - things that are very important when considering where to settle down. So you should ask yourself, “Am I a good neighbor?”
Well, good neighbors do things like lend you some sugar, let you borrow a ladder, pick up your newspaper when you’re out of town, jack up your car when you’re pinned underneath it, offer to drive a body across state lines, call the fire department when teenagers have burned a message into your grass that questions the wholesomeness of your sister, and so on and so on.
You might even say a good neighbor would castrate your sheep with his teeth. Alright, that one’s going too far, right? You’re probably thinking, “That is disgusting and completely unnecessary. You wrote that merely for shock value.”
Well, according to the East Valley Tribune in Phoenix, Arizona, someone out there is not only willing to do this, but already has. Go ahead, check it out. I’ll give you a minute.
Eye-opening, huh? So I thought about what I would do if I had a neighbor that was willing to do this for me. I mean, this isn’t your average, every-day good deed. If someone did this for me, I would be sure to show him my appreciation by going to his house, knocking on his door and presenting him with the sturdiest straight jacket I could find.
On the flip side, would I do this for someone in return? Hmmm…
I did think about how far I would go to help a neighbor that had some sheep and needed this very procedure performed on his or her livestock. Suppose, for instance, that this was a great neighbor. A great friend, even. Someone I could always count on to help me when I needed it, to pick me up when I was feeling down, someone I spent a good deal of time with and who would leave a huge void in my life if they ever moved away. Here’s what I would do for them, in no particular order, if they asked me to help castrate some sheep:
1) Offer to drive them and their sheep to a licensed vet’s office
2) Offer to call a licensed vet and see if they would come out to the property, in case transporting the sheep were not an option
3) Politely ask the neighbor to get off my lawn
4) Put up a ‘For Sale’ sign in my yard
Seeing as how I would be scared to have either the good samaritan or the lady with the sheep living anywhere near me, I guess I won’t be winning any neighborly awards. However, if it’s any consolation to the guy who did go beyond the call of duty, while I might be afraid to have him living next door, I wouldn’t mind having him play football alongside me (as is his current profession). Let’s face it, I sure as hell wouldn’t want him playing against me.
Well, that’s about all I can write on this topic. I would write more, but I need to go. My lunch is getting cold.
Well, good neighbors do things like lend you some sugar, let you borrow a ladder, pick up your newspaper when you’re out of town, jack up your car when you’re pinned underneath it, offer to drive a body across state lines, call the fire department when teenagers have burned a message into your grass that questions the wholesomeness of your sister, and so on and so on.
You might even say a good neighbor would castrate your sheep with his teeth. Alright, that one’s going too far, right? You’re probably thinking, “That is disgusting and completely unnecessary. You wrote that merely for shock value.”
Well, according to the East Valley Tribune in Phoenix, Arizona, someone out there is not only willing to do this, but already has. Go ahead, check it out. I’ll give you a minute.
Eye-opening, huh? So I thought about what I would do if I had a neighbor that was willing to do this for me. I mean, this isn’t your average, every-day good deed. If someone did this for me, I would be sure to show him my appreciation by going to his house, knocking on his door and presenting him with the sturdiest straight jacket I could find.
On the flip side, would I do this for someone in return? Hmmm…
I did think about how far I would go to help a neighbor that had some sheep and needed this very procedure performed on his or her livestock. Suppose, for instance, that this was a great neighbor. A great friend, even. Someone I could always count on to help me when I needed it, to pick me up when I was feeling down, someone I spent a good deal of time with and who would leave a huge void in my life if they ever moved away. Here’s what I would do for them, in no particular order, if they asked me to help castrate some sheep:
1) Offer to drive them and their sheep to a licensed vet’s office
2) Offer to call a licensed vet and see if they would come out to the property, in case transporting the sheep were not an option
3) Politely ask the neighbor to get off my lawn
4) Put up a ‘For Sale’ sign in my yard
Seeing as how I would be scared to have either the good samaritan or the lady with the sheep living anywhere near me, I guess I won’t be winning any neighborly awards. However, if it’s any consolation to the guy who did go beyond the call of duty, while I might be afraid to have him living next door, I wouldn’t mind having him play football alongside me (as is his current profession). Let’s face it, I sure as hell wouldn’t want him playing against me.
Well, that’s about all I can write on this topic. I would write more, but I need to go. My lunch is getting cold.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Darkness Around Every Corner
This is why I don't read the news (and why I will soon light my ears on fire)...
New Kids On The Block to Reunite
But the good folks at Humor-Blogs.com have assured me they don't have any former New Kids on their staff. Anymore.
New Kids On The Block to Reunite
But the good folks at Humor-Blogs.com have assured me they don't have any former New Kids on their staff. Anymore.
Monday, January 21, 2008
No Parity for This Sports Fan
Over the next couple of weeks, if you pay very close attention, you might hear a word or two about an upcoming sporting event (Sunday, Feb. 3) known as the ‘Super Bowl.’ You’ll have to really tune into your TV or radio for long stretches, or do an extensive search on the Internet, but somebody will be talking about it.
It’s a relatively unpopular competition, but if history is any indicator, ESPN will devote at least five minutes to pre-game Super Bowl coverage this week, and maybe even 10 minutes next week as the game looms closer. But if it’s such an unpopular event, you might be asking yourself why I’m even bringing it up. I mean, this year the Super Bowl, as it’s called, is likely to receive even less attention than usual, given that it will feature a little-known undefeated team called the New England Patriots and a team from a little-known town with a virtually non-existent media core called the New York Giants. I can’t imagine many people will watch the game, let alone cover it.
I bring it up, though, because despite its meager following, I was planning to tune into the game with the hope of seeing the undefeated New England team lose the championship matchup. However, now that this New York team is also competing in the event, I’m not sure whom I want to lose. You see, lately fans in Boston and New York City haven’t exactly had lengthy runs of bad luck when it comes to seeing their sports teams play for a championship.
Over the last 12 years, a New York or Boston team has played in a championship game or series EVERY YEAR, with the exception of 2006. And in eight of those 12 years, one of those cities has produced a winner. Take a look:
1996 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Braves)
1997 – Patriots play in the Super Bowl (vs. Packers)
1998 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Padres)
1999 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Braves)
2000 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Mets)
2001 – Giants play in the Super Bowl (vs. Ravens) and the Yankees play in the World Series (vs. Diamondbacks)
2002 – Patriots win the Super Bowl (vs. Rams)
2003 – Yankees play in the World Series (vs. Marlins)
2004 – Patriots win the Super Bowl (vs. Panthers) and the Red Sox win the World Series (vs. Cardinals)
2005 – Patriots win the Super Bowl (vs. Eagles)
2006 – N/A
2007 – Red Sox win the World Series (vs. Rockies)
Now that either the Patriots or the Giants will win the Super Bowl, that figure is 9 for 13. And this streak has evolved despite the fact that neither cities’ NBA or NHL teams (New York has two hockey teams) have really come close to competing for a title in 14 years. Which means these two cities have rung-up this impressive streak by relying on only two of the four major sports leagues in which they root for (the NFL and MLB).
But if that’s not enough, if you throw in their NBA and NHL franchises, then that streak stretches to 1994, in which Big Apple residents enjoyed the Rangers winning the Stanley Cup and the Knicks playing in the NBA finals. And this year, the Boston Celtics have a better-than-average shot at winning the NBA finals (you may have heard that they’re having a pretty good season) and the Red Sox have to be an early favorite to once again win the World Series.
Allow me a moment to try to freeze the part of my brain that just dripped out of my ears.
So now I don’t know what I’d rather see - the Patriots lose the Super Bowl or, right after both teams run onto the field, watch as the Cloverfield monster attacks the stadium. I think it’s the latter.
If anyone can round up the monster, I can give him a ride.
P.S. If you want to check out some other funny stuff, click on Humor-Blogs.com. The more times you go there from here, the more likely they are to list my blog on their site. So if the two of you wouldn't mind... it would help a brother out. And me too.
It’s a relatively unpopular competition, but if history is any indicator, ESPN will devote at least five minutes to pre-game Super Bowl coverage this week, and maybe even 10 minutes next week as the game looms closer. But if it’s such an unpopular event, you might be asking yourself why I’m even bringing it up. I mean, this year the Super Bowl, as it’s called, is likely to receive even less attention than usual, given that it will feature a little-known undefeated team called the New England Patriots and a team from a little-known town with a virtually non-existent media core called the New York Giants. I can’t imagine many people will watch the game, let alone cover it.
I bring it up, though, because despite its meager following, I was planning to tune into the game with the hope of seeing the undefeated New England team lose the championship matchup. However, now that this New York team is also competing in the event, I’m not sure whom I want to lose. You see, lately fans in Boston and New York City haven’t exactly had lengthy runs of bad luck when it comes to seeing their sports teams play for a championship.
Over the last 12 years, a New York or Boston team has played in a championship game or series EVERY YEAR, with the exception of 2006. And in eight of those 12 years, one of those cities has produced a winner. Take a look:
1996 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Braves)
1997 – Patriots play in the Super Bowl (vs. Packers)
1998 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Padres)
1999 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Braves)
2000 – Yankees win the World Series (vs. Mets)
2001 – Giants play in the Super Bowl (vs. Ravens) and the Yankees play in the World Series (vs. Diamondbacks)
2002 – Patriots win the Super Bowl (vs. Rams)
2003 – Yankees play in the World Series (vs. Marlins)
2004 – Patriots win the Super Bowl (vs. Panthers) and the Red Sox win the World Series (vs. Cardinals)
2005 – Patriots win the Super Bowl (vs. Eagles)
2006 – N/A
2007 – Red Sox win the World Series (vs. Rockies)
Now that either the Patriots or the Giants will win the Super Bowl, that figure is 9 for 13. And this streak has evolved despite the fact that neither cities’ NBA or NHL teams (New York has two hockey teams) have really come close to competing for a title in 14 years. Which means these two cities have rung-up this impressive streak by relying on only two of the four major sports leagues in which they root for (the NFL and MLB).
But if that’s not enough, if you throw in their NBA and NHL franchises, then that streak stretches to 1994, in which Big Apple residents enjoyed the Rangers winning the Stanley Cup and the Knicks playing in the NBA finals. And this year, the Boston Celtics have a better-than-average shot at winning the NBA finals (you may have heard that they’re having a pretty good season) and the Red Sox have to be an early favorite to once again win the World Series.
Allow me a moment to try to freeze the part of my brain that just dripped out of my ears.
So now I don’t know what I’d rather see - the Patriots lose the Super Bowl or, right after both teams run onto the field, watch as the Cloverfield monster attacks the stadium. I think it’s the latter.
If anyone can round up the monster, I can give him a ride.
P.S. If you want to check out some other funny stuff, click on Humor-Blogs.com. The more times you go there from here, the more likely they are to list my blog on their site. So if the two of you wouldn't mind... it would help a brother out. And me too.
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