What everyone says when you’re expecting a baby:
“Congratulations! …That’s wonderful! ... You guys are so lucky… You’ll have such a great time… Kids are so much fun… An absolute treasure… It will change your life forever… It’s magical… Wait until they grab your finger with their tiny little hand… Take lots of pictures… This is such a special time… Savor them now because they grow up so fast… You won’t know what you ever did before the baby came along…
Loosely translated from high-pitched screaming, this is what my baby says when…
… He’s hungry: “Oh my God, the pain! I think I’m dying. My tiny stomach is eating itself. The humanity! In case you don’t appreciate the depths of my suffering, I will now make the sound of cats trapped in an accordion.”
… He’s tired: “I’m not tired. Did you hear me? Don’t lay me down, I’m not tired. You’re laying me down anyway? The humanity! Maybe you’d like to hear my impression of a condor caught in the wheels of a combine. Enjoy.”
… He’s finally fallen asleep: “You idiot! I’m not asleep. I told you I’m not tired. You’ll never get me to go to sleep. Never! Back to the condor.”
… We’re starting to eat dinner: “What are you doing? You’re eating? I haven’t eaten in 60 whole minutes and you two are gonna stuff your faces? This is an outrage. Am I ever going to eat again? Ever?”
… I’m holding him while standing up: “This is horrible. I have never felt such torture in all my life. I simply can’t imagine anything worse than this.”
… I’m holding him while sitting down: “I was wrong. This is worse.”
… He needs a diaper change: “Excuse me? Does anyone care that I’m wallowing in waste over here? Waste, people! This is disgusting. I’d be better off living on the street. Call Social Services!”
… His diaper is being changed: “What the hell is this? You took my cushy pee-shorts off? Are you insane? The whole world can see my baby bits. Perhaps you’d like me to serenade you with the soothing sounds of a banshee caught in the ball return at a bowling alley.”
… Immediately after his diaper has been changed: “I can’t believe you put me through that. I wish my last name was Federline.”
… My wife isn’t home and I’m trying to use the bathroom: “I’m hungry! I’m tired! Hold me! Change me! Take the dog out! I’m hot! I’m cold! …”
… I’m five minutes into a phone conversation: (peaceful snoring… peaceful snoring) … “I’m hungry! I’m tired! Hold me! Change me! Change the channel! I’m hot! I’m cold! …”
… I’m watching my favorite TV show: “Why are you turning up the volume? Are you having trouble hearing it? What about now?! Is it better when I raise my voice a little?! WHAT IF I START CRYING LIKE THIS?! HAVING FUN?”
… I try to put a pacifier in his mouth: “Please. You think this is going to shut me up? Just wait ‘til I start teething.”
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
The Sounds of Paradise
The gray, dreary days of February were making our upcoming trip to the Bahamas all the more enticing. It was the perfect time of the year to swap out cold drizzle for abundant sunshine and 78 degree temperatures.
Everything I’d read, seen or heard about the islands made them sound ideal. I couldn’t wait to see the crystal blue water and sip a tropical drink under a nearby palm tree. But I had no idea the sounds would steal the show. No one ever told me about the flood of Bahamian delights that dance across your eardrums. So many melodic, harmonious sounds.
For instance, my wife and I could have sat on the beach all day and listened to: “Can I braid your hair?”
And: “Jet skis for rent!”
Or: “Next booze cruise leaves at 5 p.m.! You two wanna have some fun?”
We could stroll along the sand and hear them any time of the day, including: “This necklace would look great with your outfit, pretty lady.”
That one was usually reserved for my wife (I think), but who couldn’t appreciate a pitch like that?
As hard as it was to pull ourselves away from all these soothing beach tunes, we did head into downtown Nassau a couple of times and were pleasantly surprised to find that the harmonies followed us. As we walked up and down the streets, the sweet sounds of, “Beautiful Rolex watches inside – half off,” danced across the breeze.
“You should check out our handbags,” filled not only our ears, but also our hearts.
Most everywhere we went, people would walk right up to us and ask, “Carriage ride?” or “Wicker basket?” or “Pound of fudge?” It was nature at its finest.
We even got to hear: “I have a great opportunity for you guys. Hey, where are you going? I know you can hear me!”
These tropical, exotic songs were the icing on our island vacation. But at times, we missed the familiar sounds of home. That is until we visited an open market. As is often the case back home when we’re strolling through markets among large crowds during the middle of the day, we were asked rather bluntly, “Hey, you guys want some pot?”
Ahhhh, if only they put that on a “sounds you can sleep to” CD.
The only downside to the trip was the lack of sound that came when we pushed down the levers of the toilets in our hotel. But, in a twist of good fortune, that led to regular visits to the lobby restrooms of the neighboring hotel, which actually produced the sweetest sound of the whole trip, heard every time we entered the front door: “Are you enjoying the island? Great! Listen, in 30 minutes we’ll be giving a private tour of a beautiful property.”
Fantastic.
Upon returning home from a vacation, when asked what they missed most while they were gone, most people say, “my pet,” or “my bed,” or “driving my own car.” Not me. I always say, “The incessant pestering of sales people trying to sell me things every time I step outside.” But not this time.
So pack your bags and head to the Bahamas! Believe me, they have everything you need.
Everything I’d read, seen or heard about the islands made them sound ideal. I couldn’t wait to see the crystal blue water and sip a tropical drink under a nearby palm tree. But I had no idea the sounds would steal the show. No one ever told me about the flood of Bahamian delights that dance across your eardrums. So many melodic, harmonious sounds.
For instance, my wife and I could have sat on the beach all day and listened to: “Can I braid your hair?”
And: “Jet skis for rent!”
Or: “Next booze cruise leaves at 5 p.m.! You two wanna have some fun?”
We could stroll along the sand and hear them any time of the day, including: “This necklace would look great with your outfit, pretty lady.”
That one was usually reserved for my wife (I think), but who couldn’t appreciate a pitch like that?
As hard as it was to pull ourselves away from all these soothing beach tunes, we did head into downtown Nassau a couple of times and were pleasantly surprised to find that the harmonies followed us. As we walked up and down the streets, the sweet sounds of, “Beautiful Rolex watches inside – half off,” danced across the breeze.
“You should check out our handbags,” filled not only our ears, but also our hearts.
Most everywhere we went, people would walk right up to us and ask, “Carriage ride?” or “Wicker basket?” or “Pound of fudge?” It was nature at its finest.
We even got to hear: “I have a great opportunity for you guys. Hey, where are you going? I know you can hear me!”
These tropical, exotic songs were the icing on our island vacation. But at times, we missed the familiar sounds of home. That is until we visited an open market. As is often the case back home when we’re strolling through markets among large crowds during the middle of the day, we were asked rather bluntly, “Hey, you guys want some pot?”
Ahhhh, if only they put that on a “sounds you can sleep to” CD.
The only downside to the trip was the lack of sound that came when we pushed down the levers of the toilets in our hotel. But, in a twist of good fortune, that led to regular visits to the lobby restrooms of the neighboring hotel, which actually produced the sweetest sound of the whole trip, heard every time we entered the front door: “Are you enjoying the island? Great! Listen, in 30 minutes we’ll be giving a private tour of a beautiful property.”
Fantastic.
Upon returning home from a vacation, when asked what they missed most while they were gone, most people say, “my pet,” or “my bed,” or “driving my own car.” Not me. I always say, “The incessant pestering of sales people trying to sell me things every time I step outside.” But not this time.
So pack your bags and head to the Bahamas! Believe me, they have everything you need.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
More Efficient Plane Travel is Just Around the Corner
An advancement in flight has taken hold of an overseas airline, and it’s only a matter of time before all the major airlines in the U.S. have adopted the same savvy mode of plane deployment. I’m referring, of course, to the technologically-innovative practice of goat sacrifices.
Earlier this week, the BBC reported that Nepal Airlines sacrificed two goats to the Hindu god of sky protection after experiencing technical problems with one of its Boeing aircraft. Now, you may be asking yourself how slaughtering goats would fix a mechanical glitch in an airplane. But the Nepalese proved that the ‘how’ is not important. The airline said that after the sacrifices, the plane successfully flew to Hong Kong. So there you go.
As proof that journalists all around the world are just like those here at home – completely uninterested in reporting the facts (as seen here) – the Nepalese media reported that the plane’s troubles were due to an electrical fault. I’m sorry? An electrical fault? Did they even bother to talk to officials with the airline? There were problems with the plane, they sacrificed some goats, and now the plane is working just fine. Sounds like the problem was a lack of previously-performed animal rituals. How much conclusive evidence do you need, media?!
I bet the higher-ups at JetBlue, and their passengers, wished they had thought of this when they were forced to cancel flights over the holiday season last year. The next time your departure is delayed and you’re sitting on the runway for over three hours, try shouting “I know what would get this thing moving – a goat sacrifice,” and see if there isn’t a great deal of movement immediately afterwards.
Besides, airplane parts are expensive. Surely more expensive than some feeble, old goat that’s blind in one eye and barely able to stand anymore, let alone produce cheese (or whatever useful purpose goats serve). So why not go with the cheaper, just-as-reliable option?
So I would like to take this opportunity to ask our country’s goat farmers and petting zoos to do their patriotic duty by calling their nearest airport and offering up a few dozen cloven-hooved livestock so that never again will we experience delays in our flight times. Don’t stand idlely by as airline customer service continues to receive poor marks year after year. You have the power to turn the industry around. Let’s not be afraid to adopt a scientifically-proven method of flight improvement from a foreign counterpart. Surely we will all benefit.
Earlier this week, the BBC reported that Nepal Airlines sacrificed two goats to the Hindu god of sky protection after experiencing technical problems with one of its Boeing aircraft. Now, you may be asking yourself how slaughtering goats would fix a mechanical glitch in an airplane. But the Nepalese proved that the ‘how’ is not important. The airline said that after the sacrifices, the plane successfully flew to Hong Kong. So there you go.
As proof that journalists all around the world are just like those here at home – completely uninterested in reporting the facts (as seen here) – the Nepalese media reported that the plane’s troubles were due to an electrical fault. I’m sorry? An electrical fault? Did they even bother to talk to officials with the airline? There were problems with the plane, they sacrificed some goats, and now the plane is working just fine. Sounds like the problem was a lack of previously-performed animal rituals. How much conclusive evidence do you need, media?!
I bet the higher-ups at JetBlue, and their passengers, wished they had thought of this when they were forced to cancel flights over the holiday season last year. The next time your departure is delayed and you’re sitting on the runway for over three hours, try shouting “I know what would get this thing moving – a goat sacrifice,” and see if there isn’t a great deal of movement immediately afterwards.
Besides, airplane parts are expensive. Surely more expensive than some feeble, old goat that’s blind in one eye and barely able to stand anymore, let alone produce cheese (or whatever useful purpose goats serve). So why not go with the cheaper, just-as-reliable option?
So I would like to take this opportunity to ask our country’s goat farmers and petting zoos to do their patriotic duty by calling their nearest airport and offering up a few dozen cloven-hooved livestock so that never again will we experience delays in our flight times. Don’t stand idlely by as airline customer service continues to receive poor marks year after year. You have the power to turn the industry around. Let’s not be afraid to adopt a scientifically-proven method of flight improvement from a foreign counterpart. Surely we will all benefit.
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