More Efficient Plane Travel is Just Around the Corner

An advancement in flight has taken hold of an overseas airline, and it’s only a matter of time before all the major airlines in the U.S. have adopted the same savvy mode of plane deployment. I’m referring, of course, to the technologically-innovative practice of goat sacrifices.

Earlier this week, the BBC reported that Nepal Airlines sacrificed two goats to the Hindu god of sky protection after experiencing technical problems with one of its Boeing aircraft. Now, you may be asking yourself how slaughtering goats would fix a mechanical glitch in an airplane. But the Nepalese proved that the ‘how’ is not important. The airline said that after the sacrifices, the plane successfully flew to Hong Kong. So there you go.

As proof that journalists all around the world are just like those here at home – completely uninterested in reporting the facts (as seen here) – the Nepalese media reported that the plane’s troubles were due to an electrical fault. I’m sorry? An electrical fault? Did they even bother to talk to officials with the airline? There were problems with the plane, they sacrificed some goats, and now the plane is working just fine. Sounds like the problem was a lack of previously-performed animal rituals. How much conclusive evidence do you need, media?!

I bet the higher-ups at JetBlue, and their passengers, wished they had thought of this when they were forced to cancel flights over the holiday season last year. The next time your departure is delayed and you’re sitting on the runway for over three hours, try shouting “I know what would get this thing moving – a goat sacrifice,” and see if there isn’t a great deal of movement immediately afterwards.

Besides, airplane parts are expensive. Surely more expensive than some feeble, old goat that’s blind in one eye and barely able to stand anymore, let alone produce cheese (or whatever useful purpose goats serve). So why not go with the cheaper, just-as-reliable option?

So I would like to take this opportunity to ask our country’s goat farmers and petting zoos to do their patriotic duty by calling their nearest airport and offering up a few dozen cloven-hooved livestock so that never again will we experience delays in our flight times. Don’t stand idlely by as airline customer service continues to receive poor marks year after year. You have the power to turn the industry around. Let’s not be afraid to adopt a scientifically-proven method of flight improvement from a foreign counterpart. Surely we will all benefit.