The Sounds of Domestication

What everyone says when you’re expecting a baby:

“Congratulations! …That’s wonderful! ... You guys are so lucky… You’ll have such a great time… Kids are so much fun… An absolute treasure… It will change your life forever… It’s magical… Wait until they grab your finger with their tiny little hand… Take lots of pictures… This is such a special time… Savor them now because they grow up so fast… You won’t know what you ever did before the baby came along…

Loosely translated from high-pitched screaming, this is what my baby says when…

… He’s hungry: “Oh my God, the pain! I think I’m dying. My tiny stomach is eating itself. The humanity! In case you don’t appreciate the depths of my suffering, I will now make the sound of cats trapped in an accordion.”

… He’s tired: “I’m not tired. Did you hear me? Don’t lay me down, I’m not tired. You’re laying me down anyway? The humanity! Maybe you’d like to hear my impression of a condor caught in the wheels of a combine. Enjoy.”

… He’s finally fallen asleep: “You idiot! I’m not asleep. I told you I’m not tired. You’ll never get me to go to sleep. Never! Back to the condor.”

… We’re starting to eat dinner: “What are you doing? You’re eating? I haven’t eaten in 60 whole minutes and you two are gonna stuff your faces? This is an outrage. Am I ever going to eat again? Ever?”

… I’m holding him while standing up: “This is horrible. I have never felt such torture in all my life. I simply can’t imagine anything worse than this.”

… I’m holding him while sitting down: “I was wrong. This is worse.”

… He needs a diaper change: “Excuse me? Does anyone care that I’m wallowing in waste over here? Waste, people! This is disgusting. I’d be better off living on the street. Call Social Services!”

… His diaper is being changed: “What the hell is this? You took my cushy pee-shorts off? Are you insane? The whole world can see my baby bits. Perhaps you’d like me to serenade you with the soothing sounds of a banshee caught in the ball return at a bowling alley.”

… Immediately after his diaper has been changed: “I can’t believe you put me through that. I wish my last name was Federline.”

… My wife isn’t home and I’m trying to use the bathroom: “I’m hungry! I’m tired! Hold me! Change me! Take the dog out! I’m hot! I’m cold! …”

… I’m five minutes into a phone conversation: (peaceful snoring… peaceful snoring) … “I’m hungry! I’m tired! Hold me! Change me! Change the channel! I’m hot! I’m cold! …”

… I’m watching my favorite TV show: “Why are you turning up the volume? Are you having trouble hearing it? What about now?! Is it better when I raise my voice a little?! WHAT IF I START CRYING LIKE THIS?! HAVING FUN?”

… I try to put a pacifier in his mouth: “Please. You think this is going to shut me up? Just wait ‘til I start teething.”