Just a Little Pick-Me-Up

Here’s an open question to all the tea, soda and energy drink companies: Just how much energy do you think I need?

Every time I turn around there’s a new bone-rattling drink that promises to give me more energy than the last. And to be sure I know what each drink is designed to do, they all have names like ‘Super Energy’ and ‘Super Supreme Energy’ and ‘Super Max-O Energy Blastoff.’ At least none of these beverage companies can be accused of false advertising. One look at the list of ingredients reveals that most of these sleep-depriving drinks have enough sugar and caffeine to equal 5-6 grams of horse cocaine.

Then there’s the commercials. They all have spokespeople who sound like they’re being tortured. Believe it or not, they make me want to go out and buy one, but only because I’m exhausted after listening to the ads.

Local radio commercials for one of these liquid treats claims those who drink it will get “obscene energy.” Really? Not an obscene amount of energy; just obscene energy. Hmmm… I don’t think I want any, but can I make other people drink it? Is that what the guy at the bus station is always sipping on? Maybe this is the excuse Senator Larry Craig should have used.

“Look, just before I went into the bathroom, I had this drink that gave me obscene energy. What do you expect?”

So who do they think wants this much energy, Olympic athletes? I have a six-month old son, which means I get roughly 47 minutes of sleep a night, but I still don’t want a pick-me-up like that. If I have just a regular cup of coffee on an empty stomach, I can see through drywall. I’m not sure what I’d do with more energy. Something obscene, apparently.

Obviously these drinks, like most products today, are aimed at kids and teenagers. But have you ever known anyone under 20 who needs more energy? And what exactly would they do with the rush they get from ‘Extreme Boost 3000,’ work the controller on their Playstation at warp speed?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m sure the demand for all this extra energy exists. I mean, we’re a nation of Twinkies with feet, so getting that extra boost is going to be hard for a lot of people. But if we use this extra energy to play Grand Theft Auto 49, instead of burning it off, we’re only going to get fatter thanks to all the surplus sugar.

But hey, I’m no health czar. Feel free to slurp down as many as you want. Just remember – you might want to wait until you come out of the bathroom.