The Art of Sportsmanship

Every fall I hold a weekend-long clinic for all the 6, 7 and 8-year-old kids in my neighborhood to teach them the importance of sportsmanship and to demonstrate the life lessons we can all learn from competition.

At the end of the clinic I like to review with the kids everything that was discussed to make sure they leave with the most important points fresh on their minds. Below is the transcript from this year’s review session:

“All right kids, let’s go over what you learned about playing by the rules and being a good sport. Who can tell me the most important thing to remember when competing in athletic events? Timmy?”

“Rules are for fools?” Timmy answered.

“Good, Timmy,” I said. “If you want to win, you have to gain some kind of competitive advantage over your opponent. What’s one way to do that?”

“HGH and bovine steroids,” Cindy said.

“Yes! But there are rules to follow when using these drugs. Does anyone remember what those are?” I asked.

“Don’t leave a paper trail, find a friend who will take the fall for you, and if your sport doesn’t test for them, then it’s not cheating,” Johnny said.

“Very good. It’s never too early to start pumping your body full of chemicals. Now, let’s say you’re in college and one day after practice you’re approached by a wealthy booster who wants to offer you some cash and maybe an SUV or two. Do you take them?”

“Only if it’s the last year before you go pro!” Sally said.

“That’s right, Sally. That way, by the time any wrong-doing can be traced back to you, you’ll be long gone and the only people that suffer are your former teammates, coaches and fans,” I said.

“But Mr. H, why would you need a lot of cash and other perks if you’re getting a free college education? Especially if it’s against the rules,” Devin asked.

“Because. Class, how many Bentleys can you buy with a college scholarship?”

“None!” They shouted in unison.

“That’s right. None. It’s all about the bling, kids. Learn that now and you’ll be ahead of the game. Now what’s one thing that you never want to accept?”

“Accountability,” Timmy said.

“And how do we avoid accountability, Timmy?”

“Blame the quarterback, blame the coaches, blame the media and if all else fails, accuse a teammate of being gay,” he said.

“Excellent! Everyone write that down,” I said.

“Mr. H, my dad says it’s not right to cheat,” Bobby said.

“He does, huh? What does your dad do for a living, Bobby?”

“He’s a doctor. He saves peoples’ lives.”

“Okay. And how many championship rings does he have?”

“None,” Bobby responded.

“And how often is he on TV?”

“Never,” he said.

“So, do you want to be like your dad and make a difference in the world by saving peoples’ lives, or do you want to be on TV?” I asked.

“Ummm… be on TV,” Bobby said.

“Alright, then lets continue. What can you start shaving before you hit puberty that doesn’t require a razor?”

“Points,” Johnny answered. “And make friends with the mob because they love to financially back point-shaving operations,” he added.

“Outstanding,” I told him.

“At my little league game last week, I grounded out to end the inning and someone from the stands said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll get ‘em next time.’ I pulled first base out of the ground and threw it at him. Was that okay?” asked little Frank.

“Absolutely. Don’t take any crap from the fans.”

“Mr. H, if the ump calls me out, can I hit him with the bat?" Sally asked.

“A better idea would be to walk back toward the dugout, then throw the bat at him,” I answered. “That way, you can say it flew out of your hand or you were just tossing it to the next guy up. And who knows another way to get back at the ump?”

“Sleep with his wife!” Came a shout from the back.

“You kids are learning so fast,” I said.