At this point in the year, in most parts of the country, households are buzzing because, as Target has repeatedly reminded us, it’s "Back to School" time. Everyone gets excited around "Back to School" time. Everyone except of course the teachers and the students. So I thought I might take this opportunity to offer eight simple words of encouragement to all the kids (and teachers) heading back to school, and the parents and bus drivers taking them there: Get off the road, you’re making me late.
Ok, so I guess I lied about the teachers and the students being the only people who aren’t excited (But I wasn’t lying about them gunking up the road. That came from the heart.). Really, who does get excited about going back to school? The roads are clogged, the stores are more crowded, grown men and women have to wait for a single week in April before taking their next vacation, etc.
Oh sure, some people really do look forward to it. High school football coaches can once again feel important, even while warping young people’s understanding of geography and American history.
For parents of young kids, it reduces (and in some cases eliminates) the cost of daycare. That is if your kids are in public school, which my son certainly will be, judging by his early fascination with the toilet plunger. But even so, for parents it still means nights spent helping with homework. Of course I won’t have to worry about that. My kids will surely ask my wife to help them in that matter, as her college aptitude scores (ACT, SAT) make mine look like I left halfway through the exams. But this means I’ll be left to prepare my own dinner and perhaps even, if I’m thinking about it, dinner for the rest of the family. Oh the injustice.
And let’s not forget the school plays, recitals, sporting events, band concerts, dances, fall festivals and parent-teacher conferences. To top it off, we'll be expected to show up for a lot of these events.
Granted, all of this is still a few years down the road for my wife and I. But even now, as I’m years removed from my own No. 2 pencil days, I can’t help but feel bad for all those impressionable minds trudging through the halls wondering what they should do with their lives. And I feel sorry for the students as well. Day after day of hot, cramped, neck-snapping bus rides, school-issued lunches, the fear that comes with entering the great unknown that is the gym locker room. For boys, entering the gym locker room is like watching a Mike Tyson fight: you have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen.
Although perhaps my worries are completely misplaced. After all, if I asked the average school-aged kid, “How was gym today?” I’d probably get a response like, “I don’t know anyone by that name.”
So whatever the case may be, good luck to all the students and teachers out there. Just stay off the road.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Add a Dash of Nuclear Submarine Blueprints
In a week in which Norway knighted a penguin and giant inflatable poop wreaked (or is it ‘reeked’) havoc in Switzerland, the most surprising story had to be last week’s announcement that iconic chef Julia Child served in an American spy ring during World War II. What’s surprising is not that she served as a spy, but that the United States finally admitted what the rest of us already knew. I guess all those letters I wrote to the government warning about the dangers of Paula Deen weren’t so “bizarre and borderline depraved” after all, were they, Senator?
Let’s face it, aside from Ms. Child being a tad masculine, she was also a chef. And chefs have doubled as secret agents for decades. This only enhances my belief that the culinary 007 sent to destroy the U.S. is none other than Deen - the sweet, sassy “Southerner” who’s known for using only three key ingredients in each of her dishes: sugar, butter and lard (I put Southerner in quotes because her accent suggests that she’s really a native of Iceland. Or maybe Denmark. They train for years to disguise that kind of thing).
On her popular show on the Food Network, Deen is often found using the above-mentioned items to whip up anything from bundt cakes to celery sticks. Her down-home ways and disarming charm lure viewers in, rendering them helpless. She then creates meals that look so outlandishly delicious, people cannot help but make them for themselves, enjoying every last bite until their arteries clog like concrete through a garden hose and their hearts explode out of their chests. It’s similar to the way we would employ Ms. Child against the Germans, only instead of clogging their arteries, enemy viewers would often do themselves in by ramming skewers into their ears after hearing her speak.
For proof of her scheme, one need not look any further than the episode in which Deen makes bread pudding. In it, she actually diverts from her normal routine by not adding any extra sugar to her recipe, but that’s hardly surprising considering the main ingredients in her version of bread pudding are, and I’m not making this up, 12 glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
For those who aren’t familiar with bread pudding, it’s a very rich, very creamy, very sweet dessert, even on those rare occasions when, instead of doughnuts, bread is used for the bread portion of the recipe. Using a dozen glazed doughnuts in bread pudding is like saying, “Today I’m going to show you how to make Chicago-style pepperoni pizza, only instead of using dough for the crust, I’m going to use bacon.”
As one who has enjoyed many a Krispy Kreme doughnut, I can tell you this is both a brilliant and deadly ploy. Her methods should not be taken lightly. Deen has quickly grown a small empire, with restaurants popping up around her base of operations in Savannah, Georgia and other cities in southern portions of the country. She has two sons who operate restaurants as well.
Beware, citizens. We haven’t faced a threat this serious since France sent over this guy.
Let’s face it, aside from Ms. Child being a tad masculine, she was also a chef. And chefs have doubled as secret agents for decades. This only enhances my belief that the culinary 007 sent to destroy the U.S. is none other than Deen - the sweet, sassy “Southerner” who’s known for using only three key ingredients in each of her dishes: sugar, butter and lard (I put Southerner in quotes because her accent suggests that she’s really a native of Iceland. Or maybe Denmark. They train for years to disguise that kind of thing).
On her popular show on the Food Network, Deen is often found using the above-mentioned items to whip up anything from bundt cakes to celery sticks. Her down-home ways and disarming charm lure viewers in, rendering them helpless. She then creates meals that look so outlandishly delicious, people cannot help but make them for themselves, enjoying every last bite until their arteries clog like concrete through a garden hose and their hearts explode out of their chests. It’s similar to the way we would employ Ms. Child against the Germans, only instead of clogging their arteries, enemy viewers would often do themselves in by ramming skewers into their ears after hearing her speak.
For proof of her scheme, one need not look any further than the episode in which Deen makes bread pudding. In it, she actually diverts from her normal routine by not adding any extra sugar to her recipe, but that’s hardly surprising considering the main ingredients in her version of bread pudding are, and I’m not making this up, 12 glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
For those who aren’t familiar with bread pudding, it’s a very rich, very creamy, very sweet dessert, even on those rare occasions when, instead of doughnuts, bread is used for the bread portion of the recipe. Using a dozen glazed doughnuts in bread pudding is like saying, “Today I’m going to show you how to make Chicago-style pepperoni pizza, only instead of using dough for the crust, I’m going to use bacon.”
As one who has enjoyed many a Krispy Kreme doughnut, I can tell you this is both a brilliant and deadly ploy. Her methods should not be taken lightly. Deen has quickly grown a small empire, with restaurants popping up around her base of operations in Savannah, Georgia and other cities in southern portions of the country. She has two sons who operate restaurants as well.
Beware, citizens. We haven’t faced a threat this serious since France sent over this guy.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Doctors Say Standing Too Close to Torch May Cause 'Olympic Fever'
When I asked my boss if I could travel to Beijing to cover the Olympics, she seemed confused.
“Your job has nothing to do with covering the Olympics or any other athletic event," she said. "It doesn’t even involve reporting of any kind. In fact, this is not a news media outlet.”
"But how will my readers get all the latest on the Olympic competitions?” I asked.
She responded with awkward silence, followed by, “Did you fall down over the weekend?”
No matter. Here I am, bringing you the latest. And there is a lot to report.
For instance, after only two days of competition, U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps has already collected 28 gold medals, cleared China’s air pollution and is on the verge of freeing Tibet. Those last two accomplishments pale in comparison to the degree of difficulty Phelps faced in keeping his medal hunt alive by helping to win the Men’s 4x100 meter relay yesterday.
Believe it or not, the U.S. was not favored to win the event, but the team got a boost just before the race by learning that the final leg of the relay would be swum by none other than Brett Favre. Just four days after signing with the New York Jets, Favre was allowed to leave training camp to represent his country.
In the press conference following the relay, Favre’s one and only statement on winning a gold medal sounded eerily similar to his press conference upon arriving in New York to take over the Jets quarterback position.
“I’m just glad they gave me a chance to play,” he said of his Olympic teammates.
In similar news, both presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain said they would consider either Favre or Phelps as their vice presidential nominee.
“It’s a tough choice,” Obama said. “Favre has the stubble, but Phelps has the abs.”
When asked if Favre’s commitment to play Batman in the next Batman movie would hurt his chances as a VP nominee, Obama responded by saying, “Certainly Brett’s time constraints due to his prior obligations will play a role in determining if he can best serve the duties of the office, but let’s get one thing clear - he is not playing Batman in some movie. He will be performing the actual duties of Batman for the citizens of this country and every country around the world.”
McCain also weighed in with either athlete’s chances on securing the nomination.
“Given that there’s a good chance I will check out to the big retirement community in the sky before the end of my term, I need to pick a VP that the public feels confident can run the country. Therefore, I think I should let the American people choose whether Michael or Brett will be my vice-presidential pick by having them vote for one or the other on ‘American Idol,’” McCain said.
When reminded that the election will take place in the fall, before the next season of ‘American Idol,’ McCain said, “Really? The election is this year?”
He then laid his head down on the podium and appeared to take a brief nap before his publicist helped him off the stage.
In other Olympic news, Germany has won something, China has won something and Australia has offered to buy Lithuania’s medals, should they win any. Stay tuned.
“Your job has nothing to do with covering the Olympics or any other athletic event," she said. "It doesn’t even involve reporting of any kind. In fact, this is not a news media outlet.”
"But how will my readers get all the latest on the Olympic competitions?” I asked.
She responded with awkward silence, followed by, “Did you fall down over the weekend?”
No matter. Here I am, bringing you the latest. And there is a lot to report.
For instance, after only two days of competition, U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps has already collected 28 gold medals, cleared China’s air pollution and is on the verge of freeing Tibet. Those last two accomplishments pale in comparison to the degree of difficulty Phelps faced in keeping his medal hunt alive by helping to win the Men’s 4x100 meter relay yesterday.
Believe it or not, the U.S. was not favored to win the event, but the team got a boost just before the race by learning that the final leg of the relay would be swum by none other than Brett Favre. Just four days after signing with the New York Jets, Favre was allowed to leave training camp to represent his country.
In the press conference following the relay, Favre’s one and only statement on winning a gold medal sounded eerily similar to his press conference upon arriving in New York to take over the Jets quarterback position.
“I’m just glad they gave me a chance to play,” he said of his Olympic teammates.
In similar news, both presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain said they would consider either Favre or Phelps as their vice presidential nominee.
“It’s a tough choice,” Obama said. “Favre has the stubble, but Phelps has the abs.”
When asked if Favre’s commitment to play Batman in the next Batman movie would hurt his chances as a VP nominee, Obama responded by saying, “Certainly Brett’s time constraints due to his prior obligations will play a role in determining if he can best serve the duties of the office, but let’s get one thing clear - he is not playing Batman in some movie. He will be performing the actual duties of Batman for the citizens of this country and every country around the world.”
McCain also weighed in with either athlete’s chances on securing the nomination.
“Given that there’s a good chance I will check out to the big retirement community in the sky before the end of my term, I need to pick a VP that the public feels confident can run the country. Therefore, I think I should let the American people choose whether Michael or Brett will be my vice-presidential pick by having them vote for one or the other on ‘American Idol,’” McCain said.
When reminded that the election will take place in the fall, before the next season of ‘American Idol,’ McCain said, “Really? The election is this year?”
He then laid his head down on the podium and appeared to take a brief nap before his publicist helped him off the stage.
In other Olympic news, Germany has won something, China has won something and Australia has offered to buy Lithuania’s medals, should they win any. Stay tuned.
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