Add a Dash of Nuclear Submarine Blueprints

In a week in which Norway knighted a penguin and giant inflatable poop wreaked (or is it ‘reeked’) havoc in Switzerland, the most surprising story had to be last week’s announcement that iconic chef Julia Child served in an American spy ring during World War II. What’s surprising is not that she served as a spy, but that the United States finally admitted what the rest of us already knew. I guess all those letters I wrote to the government warning about the dangers of Paula Deen weren’t so “bizarre and borderline depraved” after all, were they, Senator?

Let’s face it, aside from Ms. Child being a tad masculine, she was also a chef. And chefs have doubled as secret agents for decades. This only enhances my belief that the culinary 007 sent to destroy the U.S. is none other than Deen - the sweet, sassy “Southerner” who’s known for using only three key ingredients in each of her dishes: sugar, butter and lard (I put Southerner in quotes because her accent suggests that she’s really a native of Iceland. Or maybe Denmark. They train for years to disguise that kind of thing).

On her popular show on the Food Network, Deen is often found using the above-mentioned items to whip up anything from bundt cakes to celery sticks. Her down-home ways and disarming charm lure viewers in, rendering them helpless. She then creates meals that look so outlandishly delicious, people cannot help but make them for themselves, enjoying every last bite until their arteries clog like concrete through a garden hose and their hearts explode out of their chests. It’s similar to the way we would employ Ms. Child against the Germans, only instead of clogging their arteries, enemy viewers would often do themselves in by ramming skewers into their ears after hearing her speak.

For proof of her scheme, one need not look any further than the episode in which Deen makes bread pudding. In it, she actually diverts from her normal routine by not adding any extra sugar to her recipe, but that’s hardly surprising considering the main ingredients in her version of bread pudding are, and I’m not making this up, 12 glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

For those who aren’t familiar with bread pudding, it’s a very rich, very creamy, very sweet dessert, even on those rare occasions when, instead of doughnuts, bread is used for the bread portion of the recipe. Using a dozen glazed doughnuts in bread pudding is like saying, “Today I’m going to show you how to make Chicago-style pepperoni pizza, only instead of using dough for the crust, I’m going to use bacon.”

As one who has enjoyed many a Krispy Kreme doughnut, I can tell you this is both a brilliant and deadly ploy. Her methods should not be taken lightly. Deen has quickly grown a small empire, with restaurants popping up around her base of operations in Savannah, Georgia and other cities in southern portions of the country. She has two sons who operate restaurants as well.

Beware, citizens. We haven’t faced a threat this serious since France sent over this guy.