Bueller? Bueller?

At this point in the year, in most parts of the country, households are buzzing because, as Target has repeatedly reminded us, it’s "Back to School" time. Everyone gets excited around "Back to School" time. Everyone except of course the teachers and the students. So I thought I might take this opportunity to offer eight simple words of encouragement to all the kids (and teachers) heading back to school, and the parents and bus drivers taking them there: Get off the road, you’re making me late.

Ok, so I guess I lied about the teachers and the students being the only people who aren’t excited (But I wasn’t lying about them gunking up the road. That came from the heart.). Really, who does get excited about going back to school? The roads are clogged, the stores are more crowded, grown men and women have to wait for a single week in April before taking their next vacation, etc.

Oh sure, some people really do look forward to it. High school football coaches can once again feel important, even while warping young people’s understanding of geography and American history.

For parents of young kids, it reduces (and in some cases eliminates) the cost of daycare. That is if your kids are in public school, which my son certainly will be, judging by his early fascination with the toilet plunger. But even so, for parents it still means nights spent helping with homework. Of course I won’t have to worry about that. My kids will surely ask my wife to help them in that matter, as her college aptitude scores (ACT, SAT) make mine look like I left halfway through the exams. But this means I’ll be left to prepare my own dinner and perhaps even, if I’m thinking about it, dinner for the rest of the family. Oh the injustice.

And let’s not forget the school plays, recitals, sporting events, band concerts, dances, fall festivals and parent-teacher conferences. To top it off, we'll be expected to show up for a lot of these events.

Granted, all of this is still a few years down the road for my wife and I. But even now, as I’m years removed from my own No. 2 pencil days, I can’t help but feel bad for all those impressionable minds trudging through the halls wondering what they should do with their lives. And I feel sorry for the students as well. Day after day of hot, cramped, neck-snapping bus rides, school-issued lunches, the fear that comes with entering the great unknown that is the gym locker room. For boys, entering the gym locker room is like watching a Mike Tyson fight: you have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen.

Although perhaps my worries are completely misplaced. After all, if I asked the average school-aged kid, “How was gym today?” I’d probably get a response like, “I don’t know anyone by that name.”

So whatever the case may be, good luck to all the students and teachers out there. Just stay off the road.