Common Rejections from Magazine/Newspaper/Online Editors (And What They Really Mean)

Thank you for your entry, but I’m afraid we have to pass. Please feel free to try again. (You can try again, but you better make the next one waaaay better.)

Thank you for your submission, however it’s just not the right fit for us. (It fits just fine with the kind of material we run, but we Googled you and you don’t appear to be famous, nor does it look like you’ve had a book published. Unfortunately, we only run material submitted by those who clearly don’t need the exposure.)

We thank you for your submission, but unfortunately we will not be using it. (To be perfectly honest, we didn’t read your submission. We have way more entries than we could ever get through and, let’s face it, “Angry Birds” isn’t going to play itself.)

We enjoyed your piece, but we are not accepting unsolicited submissions at this time. (I know it looks like we accept unsolicited submissions all the time because every week we print pieces from writers who aren’t on staff or even experienced freelancers, but… well… what do you want us to say? Do you really want to hear that it sucks? Ask yourself if that would really make you feel better.)

Despite its obvious merit, we will not be able to use your piece. (It’s pretty clear that we don’t actually think it has merit, otherwise we would publish it. We’re just trying to let you down easy because we don’t like to be mean. Unlike those other guys who are obvious liars.)

We appreciate you taking the time to submit your entry. It is quite amusing, however we respectfully decline. (Again, the whole “We don’t like to be mean” thing.)

You clearly have a very unique writing style and are bound for great things. (You weren’t educated on the East Coast, were you?)

We feel the timing is not quite right. (Just like the last time you submitted something wasn't the right time and the next time won't be the right time either. Face it, you suck. I mean, the "timing' argument is complete bullshit. If it's not the right time, why couldn't we just keep what you wrote until it WAS the right time? Know what I mean? Let's say in the middle of August, you submitted something about Christmas. Obviously we wouldn't run it during the middle of August, but if it was good, there's no reason we couldn't hang onto it until Christmas, right? If you buy this whole "the timing isn't right" rejection, then you are a moron.)

Thank you for your latest submission! We think it’s great and we would love to publish it in our next issue. (Psych! Ha ha, sucker.)

Best of luck next time. (Ok, you really need to take a hint.)

No thanks. (Dude! Fuck. Off.)