Bob's Best of 2013

Best Moment in TV

In March, I finally remembered to extend the DVR time an additional hour so when the big game unexpectedly went into double overtime, I was able to capture the whole thing. I never remember to extend the time! Of course, I overheard someone give the outcome of the game before I could get home to watch it, so it didn’t really matter. But the point is, I remembered.

Best Moment in Film

Only saw one movie this year. Went on opening night, so the theater was packed. Right before it started, a woman in a giant hat took the seat in front of me. I couldn’t see a thing. All of a sudden she got violently ill and left; never came back. The movie sucked and her vomit got on my shoes, but I would have been pissed if I paid $9 and had to stare at the back of a hat for two hours.

Best Moment in Fashion

Over the summer, I went to dinner with some friends at the new Italian restaurant in town. As I typically do, I made the mistake of wearing white pants. And as I typically do, I clumsily rolled a meatball off my plate. But this time, I caught it with my other hand before any damage was done. It was beautiful.

When the waitress brought our wine out, she spilled mine in my lap. The pants are ruined (it was red), but at least it wasn’t my fault!

Best Moment in Music

Bought the new One Direction CD! Awwwww yeah!

Best Moment in News

I was one of the rare few who managed to acquire medical coverage through the Obamacare website during the first week it went live. I never have that kind of luck. Granted, I had to get new health insurance only because I lost my old insurance on account of getting fired in the spring. But who would have thought I could successfully navigate the internet? That’s probably the reason I lost my job in the first place.

Best Moment in Food

Usually I get food poisoning four or five times a year, but it only hit me once in 2013. Of course it happened on Christmas Day, so I’m still feeling the effects. But still…

Best Moment in Sports

My cat is super quick. Runs, jumps and darts all over my apartment. One Saturday in October I decided I was going to sneak up on Bellarina. She was lying on one end of the couch, so I crept up by the arm on the other side and knelt down. I waited for just the right moment and then sprang across the couch and grabbed her before she could turn one of her patented kitty plies.

Turns out she was dead. The vet thought she passed on about an hour before we got there. But for those few seconds after I sprang on her, I felt pretty fleet of foot.

Best Moment in Money

Found a quarter on the… aw, f*#k it.

Rudolph Hacks Into NSA Database; Releases Files on All the Other Reindeer

From the December 2013 Issue of Out in Front…

Here it is, people! As promised. This month’s issue lives up to its name as I’m delivering the goods on my eight brown-nosing ‘teammates’ nearly a full week before Christmas (I mean brown-nosing literally and figuratively. Most reindeer are born with brown noses, and man can they be pricks about it).

I can’t say where I got the following information, but I assure you it’s been compiled by reliable sources. Sources who won’t approve of me sharing it with you. Their approval, however, is really not my concern. The files contained herein illuminate… oh my God, I can’t believe I just typed that word. They contain information that you, the reader, deserve to know. Nay, need to know. These files shine a light on… for crying out loud! What’s wrong with me?!

Anyway, you get the point. Write a song about this, bitches:

Dasher – front row, left. In one word – steals. Started off small: packs of cigarettes, issues of Cosmo, etc… Likely the biggest reason fast food businesses moved to the pay-first, two-window system. Employer forced to install a sled cam for when he leaves sled to enter children’s homes. Escalated to armed robbery. Served three months probation.

Dancer – front row, right. Brought up a dozen times on assault charges, mostly against overly-aggressive mall parents. None of the charges have stuck, as the stores have always been found liable. Couldn’t escape an involuntary manslaughter charge in ’93 after trampling a drunken college student who got bored with sitting in the sled after a few minutes and tried ‘riding shotgun’. Served six months probation.

Prancer – second row, left. Drug problems since he was a teenager. Been in and out of five rehab facilities. (Editor’s note: During the off-season, rehab facilities are the largest employers at The North Pole. They are staffed mostly by the elves, but you probably guessed that already.) Caught dealing to three Colorado kids last year and six Florida youths the year before. Both instances took place during Christmas Eve layovers.

Vixen – second row, right. Online gambling addiction boiled over into all-night Texas Hold ‘Em benders with the elves. Quickly became indebted to the head elf and refused to pay losses. Fielded numerous threats from head elf, who proved not to have the moxie to carry out any of the threats himself.

Comet – third row, left. Brought up on maiming charges for cutting off one of Vixen’s hooves in exchange for a night with the head elf’s wife.

Cupid – third row, right. Owes seven female deer (does) more than 115,000 lbs of pellets as part of his reindeer-support payments. Has 15 illegitimate fawns, not counting four that half of his sleigh-pulling teammates believe are theirs.

Donner – back row, left. Has an otherwise clean record, but is an insatiable voyeur. Likes to watch Santa and Mrs. Claus engage in amorous, night-time activity. Often leaves a mess on the windowsill that he makes Rudolph clean up. (Editor’s note: And you thought they just called me names.) Hasn’t been confronted by either of the Claus’ since our office started monitoring the compound 35 years ago.

Blitzen – back row, right. Surprise, surprise – alcoholic.

And yes, the fat man knows about all of it, even Donner’s peeping. Rumor has it that Santa puts him up to it. Anyway, he doesn’t say anything because the team is too good to break up, so he lets them get away with murder (some of them more than once). You’re probably thinking that if he was smarter about picking their names, he wouldn’t have half these problems on his hands. It’s crossed my mind too.

The bottom line is this: Santa is an enabler. And not just for the deer. For humans too. He gives toys to ALL the girls and boys. Stopped keeping track of the bad ones a long time ago. Said it got too hard to manage two different lists. Welcome to your dissolution of society.

Better ask yourself if you really want those 31 hooves (remember: Vixen has only three) clacking across your rooftop every Christmas. Not exactly the type of role models you want your kids singing about every year. It’s hard to digest, but I hope knowing the truth brings a warm glow to your… son of a bitch, I did it again!

Advantage: Halloween

So Halloween is upon us, which means millions of kids will spend roughly a week and a half consuming a year’s worth of candy. Of course first they’ll have to earn it. Sort of.

In comparison to that other holiday on the horizon in which children receive armfuls of delights in the span of a night, Halloween is more of a “you get out of it what you put into it” kind of celebration. On Halloween they have to work for it.

I like what the system we’ve devised says to young people: If you want candy, you can have candy. But no one’s going to climb down the chimney or hop through a rabbit hole or fly in your window and just leave it for you while you sleep. You don’t get it just because bicuspids fall out of your mouth or for “being good,” which never matters anyway since Santa is too chicken shit to actually leave nothing but coal in your stocking. For this, you have to strap on your shoes and walk from house to house. And the only way to get more candy is to walk to more houses. Put in the time if you want the dime. Some years, that time is spent in fairly cold temperatures, making it all the better. Let’s see how bad you want it.

To top it off, Halloween even forces kids to give up a little of their dignity by making them don ridiculous costumes. Oh sure, they love dressing up as their favorite monster or superhero, but they’d abandon those outfits in a second if they knew anything about leverage. A lot of kids think they can hold your feet to the fire with that “Trick or Treat” threat, but a simple retort of “Do anything to the property and your parents will hear from my attorney,” usually squelches their sly smiles.

It’s the kind of holiday a parent can really get behind. Except of course for the taking-candy-from-strangers part. But hey, every day is a roll of the dice, right?

With all that said, to complete the equation, adults have to give out free candy to the halflings who do nothing more than ring the doorbell. It might look like work from the kids’ perspective, but you certainly don’t get anything out of it. On the contrary, you’re out the cost of however many treats it takes to satisfy all the sugar-addled beggars in your neighborhood.

So how good of a holiday is this exactly?

Well, as I don’t have to remind you – after the kids are in bed, you can satisfy your own corn syrupy desires by plunging headfirst into their candy bags. Halloween is the one time a year in which you finally get to enjoy the fruits of your children’s labor instead of the other way around. Although, if any of it does turn out to be fruit, demand that your homeowner’s association increase the fees of the offending neighbor.

Less than two months later, Santa will do all the work as kids have presents laid at their feet while they sleep. Or at the foot of a tree, if we’re being literal about it. And sure, you can play with your daughter’s new Barbie Dream Yacht once she’s asleep, but it doesn’t fill your heart with the songs of angels the same way shoving three fun-size Snickers into your mouth at the same time does. Point is, little people reap all the rewards of Christmas with none of the hardship of Black Fridays and curdled eggnog.

So put masks on their faces, sacks in their hands, and push your kids out the door. Halloween is your time. Live it up.

Operate Somewhere Else, Mr. Smooth

Many wonderful business entities exist that care for children. These places are wonderful for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which being that they care for your child while you perform your job duties Monday – Friday. But daycares don't just serve the need of having someone watch your child so that you can go to work, they also give you the chance to take a breath and clear your head so you can be at your best when picking up your son or daughter. The only problem is, you never know what the teacher is going to say your child did while you were gone. Your once clear head may quickly fill with hellscape-like visions, especially if you’re a dad and you hear every father’s worst nightmare.

“I just wanted to let you know that your daughter was pulling her pants down in front of Beelzebub. Not a big deal, they do that at this age, but just thought you should know in case you want to talk to her about it.”

Oh yes. I do indeed want to talk to her about it. Now, first things first, the kid’s name isn’t actually Beelzebub, but let’s face it – it might as well be. I want to protect his privacy while also providing you a glimpse into the nature of this boy and everything he stands for, so calling him Beelzebub is the best way to do that.

After getting my daughter home, I sat her down to talk about exactly what happened. Only, I had no idea how deep the devastation stretched.

“Why did you pull your pants down at school today?”

“Because Beelzebub told me to do it again.”

“I’m sorry, again? Beelzebub told you to do it AGAIN?”

Pause.

“Yeah.”

Awesome. My daughter’s antics were not discovered until the SECOND time she performed them. And you thought I went too far by referring to the boy as the devil.

I’m not going to lose all perspective. I know kids do this. “Show you mine if you show me yours.” I get it.

But girls have always been and forever will be the losers in this trade off. Boys want to show theirs off. They want to show it off, and they want all who see it to turn away in horror. They want to spring it on you at the most inappropriate times and laugh hysterically as you apologize to the crossing guard.

And it’s not a phase they go through. You might be surprised to hear this, but grown men occasionally get caught taking pictures of their genitals. To be fair, they don’t so much “get caught” as they do “gladly show the pictures to people.” And instead of “occasionally,” it’s really more like “every few hours.” That’s why equipping cell phones with cameras has proved to be the worst idea in the history of technology.

Girls are usually the ones who have to be talked into it. They spend their time searching for appropriate evening wear for their dolls, not searching for excuses to flash innocent bystanders. Sure, they have a good laugh running naked through the house before and after bath time, but girls don’t hope to burn an imprint on your brain of their… well… you know.

It’s a double standard, but I’d prefer my child to be the boy in this situation. Even the girls would prefer to be the boys in this situation. That way they wouldn’t be the ones forced to look at it.

It’s only natural that boys are more curious too because they can’t help but wonder if what girls have looks even half as bizarre as what they have. Could it look even more bizarre? Of course we know the answer is “no.” Nothing girls have could ever look more bizarre than what boys have.

What troubles me most is I didn’t see this coming. This is a perfect example of something you don’t want to wait too long to tell your kids, especially your daughter. “There are underhanded, conniving little boys out there who will try to trick you. Don’t talk to them. Ever. No matter how old you are, don’t ever talk to boys. Unless it’s to threaten them with a visit from your dad.” Now it’s too late.

But my message to all little boys who may make my daughter’s acquaintance in the future is this: Curiosity is a dangerous thing. Just look what it did to the cat.

A Former High School Drama Teacher Gets a Job Writing Episode Descriptions for Your DVR

Mad Men
Repeat (May 2012), “Commissions and Fees.” Don is forced to fire Lane after his secret is revealed. Financial troubles and failed business acumen often make for tragic characters, but hardly a Willy Loman does Lane make. However, the set design is unrivaled. (Drama)

Game of Thrones
Repeat (February 2012), “You Win Or You Die.” Ned Stark’s effort to seat the proper heir to the throne is thwarted by Littlefinger. Oh Littlefinger, how deep cuts the knife of betrayal into the back of Ned Stark, keeper of that which your own heart desires! E tu’ Brute? (Drama)

Downton Abbey
Repeat (January 2012), “Episode 4.” Set in early 20^th century England, this BBC production reveals that as heirs to the sprawling Downton estate, Cousin Matthew and Lady Mary still face the same hardships of life and love as George and Emily in humble Grover’s Corners. What’s lacking in action is made up for in quaintness. In this episode, Lady Edith rides in a car with an older man. (Drama)

Parks and Recreation
Repeat (June 2012), “Trial of Leslie Knope.” Leslie’s run for office may prove to be a roadblock in her relationship with Ben. Will government politics prove as fatal to our lovebirds as family politics did for Romeo and Juliet? Leslie, O Leslie! Wherefore art thou, Leslie? Deny thy calling and refuse the arbitrary demands of your constituents! (Comedy)

Duck Dynasty
Repeat (June 2012), “Hallu-Si-Nations.” Si thinks he spots a black panther in the wilderness but fails to convince the other Duck Commander employees. Ahh, Uncle Si. Your merth-making and witty catchalls harkens the mischievous Falstaff. Plagued too was he by the drink, yet yours be of the milder tea variety. And I don’t think Falstaff could have sold as many t-shirts with his face on them. (Reality)

Iron Chef
New (September 2013). Is that Hamlet adorned in that apron?! The latest challenger, hailing from Jacksonville, is thirsty for the reigning king’s (chef’s) blood. Tonight’s secret ingredient: cocktail weenies. (Food)

Tosh.0
New (September 2013), “Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?” The Wizard, Daniel, continues to take advantage of the little people (in this instance it’s footage of a skateboarder injuring his crotch) to pave his own “yellow-bricked” road. (Comedy)

Homeland
Repeat (May 2012), “Marine One.” The ginger-haired Judas (Brody) may not be betraying Jesus, but he is on the verge of betraying his country. The music’s not as good as in Superstar, but the ending will have you on the edge of your seat. (Drama)

Lockup
New (September 2013), “Til Death Do Us Part.” Profile of a new inmate who confessed to killing his wife. This steely-eyed, guilt-ridden figure is hard to look away from for more reasons than just the lure of his mutton chop side burns. His anguish-laced story is one pulled straight from the pages of Dostoyevsky. Also, he complains about the food. (Documentary)

Late Show with David Letterman
New (September 2013). Much like the Phantom, Dave seems to mask who he truly is in front of Susan Sarandon. Also on the show: Marv Albert and the Foo Fighters. (Comedy-Talk)

Breaking Bad
Repeat (November 2012), “Fifty-One.” Skyler takes extreme measures to get the kids away from Walt. OH. MY. GOD. Why does she always have to be such a bitch? (Comedy-Drama)

A Recently Fired TV Writer Gets a Job Writing Episode Descriptions for Your DVR

Razor’s Edge
Repeat (May 2013), “Inside Man.” Jarrod’s motivation for buying his former partner’s failing business is revealed. Witty dialogue and captivating plot twists highlight this week’s tightly-woven tale. Viewers will be on the edge of their seats. (Drama)

Razor’s Edge
New (September 2013), “Change Is In The Air.” Jarrod and Melissa go to counseling. Off screen shakeups over the summer are reflected in the season premiere’s plodding attempt at entertainment. As expected, the storytelling takes a complete nose dive. (Drama)

Razor’s Edge
New (October 2013), “Derailed.” Some old acquaintances return to haunt Jarrod and Melissa, while Yvonne is taken hostage. That was my idea, a**holes! What do you mean "a**holes" won’t be spelled out on the screen? (Drama)

Razor’s Edge
New (October 2013), “Mayday.” Jarrod runs around like his balls are in his wife’s purse. No, I’m not f***ing changing it! That’s an accurate description of the episode! Viewers will likely give up on the show as this once-riveting hour of television becomes virtually unrecognizable. (Drama)

Two Times the Fun
New (October 2013), “Whatever You Say, Boss.” Joe and Bob switch jobs for the day so each can see what the other has to deal with. Are you kidding me? This formulaic concept has been done in every way possible since the advent of television. How does crap like this still get on the air? (Comedy)

A Broil Affair
New (November 2013), “I Feel Like Chicken Tonight.” Featured dish: chicken. Let’s film people cooking. That takes some imagination. (Food)

Topsy Turvey Treehouse
New (November 2013), “Aftermath.” Thomas fakely feuds with Steven while the rest of the fake group fakely figures out who should be the next person fakely voted out of the fake treehouse. Meanwhile, fake Lena fakely cries over fake Chris fakely cheating on her with fake Tonya. FAKE. (Reality)

Caged Desires
New (December 2013), “Love For Sale.” Simone, much like the actress who plays her, continues to benefit from the affair with her boss by receiving a long-awaited promotion. In the biggest cliché move in the industry, the show totally pusses out by making Ricardo’s car accident nothing more than a dream sequence. Oops. Spoiler! (Soap)

Late Show with David Letterman
Repeat (December 2013), Dave’s guests include: Foo Fighters, Marv Albert and the lovely Susan Sarandon. (Comedy-Talk)

I Hear You Knockin'

As businesses have progressed from trying to sell us stuff through the newspaper, the mail, the phone, radio, television, billboards, magazines, movie screens, our e-mail, the Internet and then through our phones again, it’s hard to imagine a need for the door-to-door salesman. Not just hard to imagine, but painful. Painful to think that the practice of door-to-door solicitation still continues. But it does still continue. God, does it continue.

I would have thought that all those other advertising mediums developed out of the salesman’s desperation to end his days of being spit on and fleeing from pet Dobermans. But apparently there are salesmen out there who haven’t been spit on enough. Not enough to make them try a different method, anyway.

And if your Doberman doesn’t curtail their efforts, don’t think that a little sign in the front of your neighborhood that clearly reads, “No solicitation” is going to do the trick either. I’m not sure what compels a person to think that the middle of the afternoon on a weekday is the best time to speak to people face-to-face, but apparently they’re coming across enough individuals to make it worth their while.

Even if the decades-old practice continues, the goods and services they peddle have certainly changed from 50 years ago. The days of people hawking milk, vacuum cleaners and anvil polish have been replaced with pleas from lawn care professionals, tree removal experts and cable providers. Then again, the Bible salesman still makes the rounds.

Maybe the growing number of people who work from home is giving the door-to-door salesman a larger playing field, or maybe my personal neighborhood has more stay-at-home moms than I thought. Whatever the reason, ours is a beacon for them. And when your phone is unmuted during a conference call with your boss is not the time you want someone banging on your door and shouting, “Have you found Jesus?!” Don’t be surprised if your first thought is, “You’re going to if you don’t get the hell off my property.”

My family and I were even approached the other night at a restaurant. And not by the waiter. In his defense, this particular gentleman wasn’t exactly trying to sell us anything, but he did ask for the attention of half our table. He was a magician and he wanted to perform a few tricks for the kids. A harmless enough gesture, but not exactly what I expected from the evening. Although, again, in the magician’s defense, I guess I should have. It was, after all, Kid’s Night at this particular establishment and the restaurant employs this master illusionist every week on Kid’s Night, which happens to be a popular night to go because kids eat free. Which is exactly why we went. So… yeah. Whatever.

A magician entertaining my kids for free on Kid’s Night I can tolerate. I cannot, however, tolerate strangers knocking on my door. If the ‘No Call Lists’ are pushing telemarketers out into the streets and onto our front porch steps, I’d almost be willing to get back on every call list that exists. I’d rather dodge phone calls than dive behind my couch wishing the curtains weren’t open.

Those are times when I wish I was holding some of the things from my restaurant table – a glass of tea, a plate full of mashed potatoes and gravy, and a bottle of squeezable ketchup. Nothing says ‘Not Interested’ like spelling it out on someone’s shirt with a bottle of squeezable ketchup.

Alternatively, I guess I could set up a series of traps outside my front door as if I were living in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. A giant pit hidden under the ‘Welcome’ mat; logs that swing down and crush an unsuspecting doorbell pusher; maybe even a moat. Those “Beware of Dog” signs are popular, but I’d almost want something that speaks specifically and directly to someone trying to sell something. Maybe a giant hanging tarp that stretches from one side of my house to the other that reads, “We Don’t Want Any.”

When I want to purchase something, odds are I can find it myself. Unless it’s a moat. If you have one of those on clearance, feel free to stop by.